- you are white and suddenly want to call your white friends the N word
- you are disappointed when eight year olds don’t curse at you
- you are annoyed at how nonviolent your trip to the bodega is
- you want to spread your message of oppression at garden parties
- you have the urge to eat a beyond mega burger named ‘Luther’ even though you are a vegetarian and the burger is larger than your animated head
- you hate R. Kelly fans
- you are afraid of elderly blind people
- you don’t get why there aren’t any grandfather’s represented on the show ‘pimp my ride’
- you’re disappointed if the PTA doesn’t protest the annual Christmas pageant
- you think all of your relatives are dating hoes
Signs that you recently watched season 1 of the boondocks in its entirety March 31, 2009
Twenty Questions Tuesday March 31, 2009
Name: Theodore Leonard Jay
Occupation(s): Blogger Extraordinaire, Vice President of Recruitment – Gay Mafia, CEO of The Society For More Bangin Hair
1. Ghostbusters 1 or 2? At the risk of getting yelled at, I’ll go ahead and admit that I have never seen the sequel. However, I thoroughly enjoyed the first one!
2. What is your drink of choice? I’m all about the Jack and Ginger Ale. When in doubt, and indigenous beer also works.
3. What album/songs are you listening to right now? I’m pretty obsessed with Lady Gaga and listen to the song “Poker Face” on repeat. That’s what a good gay does.
4. What is your favorite episode of Seinfeld/Friends? As I hated Seinfeld, I’ll go with Friends. I think my favorite episode would be the one where Ross gets stuck in his leather pants in the bathroom of some chick he’s dating and has Joey on the phone trying to help him get out of them.
5. What do you wish you were doing right now? I wish I was sitting on the lakefront reading or telling people about my bangin hair.
6. What are you doing right now [besides answering these questions]? I’m at work. sigh.
7. What country will you never visit? Probably Jamaica or most Middle Eastern countries where they stone gay people.
8. Nickname you wish you had? The shiz
9. Who is your favorite superhero (actual or imagined)? Remember Quail Man from the cartoon Doug? He rocked! If I were to pick another it would be Wolverine or Nightcrawler from X-Men.
10. What is your favourite Keanu Reeves Movie? Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, because it’s pretty much the only one where his bad acting is excusable and almost necessary.
11. Who is the oldest celebrity you would sleep with? David Bowie (age 62)
12. Which ‘Saved by the Bell’ character did you most resemble in high school? Mikey Gonzales from the original Saved By the Bells when the cast was in Junior High. Yeah, I watched the show from the beginning!
13. Name someone who needs to be told something about themself? Someone needs to tell Rush Limbaugh that he’s a hypocritical, repugnant, grotesque ass-clown with not so bangin hair.
14. Who is your favorite New Yorker? Lisa because of her unwavering devotion to all things bangin.
15. What is your favorite way to curse someone/something awful? If there isn’t time to make a voodoo doll, I usually scream profanities in polish. Kurwa Mac!
16. What is the most embarrassing song on your ‘Get Psyched’ playlist? “Now that we’ve found love” by Heavy D and the Boyz
17. Which celebrity do you hate for no reason? Kevin Bacon
18. Amy Adams vs. Isla Fischer? Amy Adams because she looked FLAWLESS at the Oscars.
19. What would you do with a snuggie? I’d set it on fire in protest.
20. Any Questions? If there was a train going eastbound from LA at 80 miles an hour and one from Boston traveling west at 70 miles an hour would Keanu Reeves still be ridiculous?
karaoke wish list for gay cousin ted March 30, 2009
- outfield’s ‘I don’t want to lose your love tonight’
- debbie gibson’s ‘lost in your eyes’
- bon jovi’s ‘living in sin’
- elton john’s ‘someone saved my life tonight’
- ted & lori duet: ‘cruisin’
- the gorillaz’ ‘feel good inc’
- soul decision’s ‘faded’
- dj kool’s ‘let me clear my throat’
- katy perry’s ‘hot and cold’
- kelly clarkson’s ‘since you’ve been gone’
things that lori wins at March 30, 2009
1. cute dog
2. loving the song ‘cruisin’ and being a human jukebox overall
3. being the only human whose birth I would celebrate by singing into a microphone in public
4. knowing the movie ‘shag’ and pretty much every movie ever made
5. putting the ‘Human’ back in ‘Human Resources’
6. telling really good, but completely untrue, stories about snakes
7. potato pancakes and kosher wine
8. being really nice to me no matter how ridiculous I am being [which is pretty ridiculous]
9. speaking in really slow and soothing tones
10. premium cable and all technology
highlights from my night at desmond’s March 29, 2009
- i overcaffeinated
- if i spelled that right, it’s a miracle. i’m so drunk.
- it’s funny when guys in a band dress like caterers
- the sound there sucks ass
- yet, the bands that play there are awesome
- it has been way too long since i saw a solid bar fight break out
- you wouldn’t think it, but musicians are scrappy
- is it wrong that i get oddly turned on by guys fighting?
- it’s probably just my body purging itself of ultimate fighting
- and all things brooklyn
movie review: i love you, man March 28, 2009
- i still don’t understand the comma in the title. but aside from that, the movie was hilarious. i didn’t laugh, i didn’t chuckle, i guffawed
- bryan rocks and was really understanding about my guffawing
- though it still freaks me out when paul rudd plays straight characters. i just don’t see it.
- there’s something really weird about the guy from ‘how i met your mother’. on himym he excels at all games and i wish that had somehow been incorporated into the the movie.
- i love inconsiderate cell phone man! though it’s weird to see him with a fake tan.
- i hate watching people vomit
- i think i need a break from people getting engaged. it’s not at all fair.
- but, that is why god made awesome dive bars like dave’s in hells kitchen.
- i put ‘back in black’ on the jukebox and old men started giving me dollar bills to pick songs for them.
- you know you had a great time when you get a lot of singles, get to hear the music you want, and don’t have to take your clothes off or dance.
Innuendo Of The Day: Guess The Tradition March 27, 2009
“Making the hole is fun, but trying to put it in the hole is even more fun.” -Teddy
Shameless self promotion: I totally won a haiku contest! March 27, 2009
http://www.mediabistro.com/unbeige/contests/unbeige_design_haiku_contest_winners_112274.asp
now that I have achieved widespread fame and glory, it’s time I started writing my memoirs. in haiku of course. here’s some excerpts from the early drafts:
should I get a perm?
‘totally!’ she says. Thanks jess,
you were some best friend.
College moving day!
Ah, a dave matthews poster.
I hated that bitch.
Tuesday, 4AM
No I’m not from craigslist son!
Delete my number.
Dearest Keanu,
My love is without bounds. But…
Stop trying accents.
one so’ co and lime.
and a rolling rock please. my,
look how far i’ve come.
musical q & a March 26, 2009
1. Q: could you be loved? A: maybe if I lost ten pounds.
2. Q: what’s love got to do with it? A: not as much as my cleavage.
3. Q: what is love? A: a finely crafted pastry.
4. Q: why can’t we be friends? A: because i hate you.
5. Q: now that we found love what are we gonna do with it? A: report the findings to nasa. Oh wait, that’s signs of intelligent life. Nevermind.
6. Q: do you really want to hurt me? A: yes. really!
7. Q: do you love me? A: meh.
8. Q: where is the love? A: maybe prague.
9. Q: who’s gonna ride your wild horses? A: teehee.
10. Q: why bother? A: fuck if i know.
letters for living: a person who has completely destroyed your ability to trust others March 25, 2009
dear [name of person who has completely destroyed your ability to trust others],
congratulations on your engagement! it brings me great joy to know that the many times you hurt me was not because of [actual thing that i did wrong] but was because you never cared about me to begin with and always knew there was someone else. it is somehow comforting to know that even though someone has made you feel like a complete tool [amount] times, there is always room for more episodes of [preferred method of emoting] while [preferred mode of transportation]. i especially enjoyed hanging out with you alone for several hours while watching [lighthearted entertainment] only to have this [expletive noun] revealed to me on a street corner in [borough that i hate] leading to me [loud method of emoting] in front of cars waiting for the light to change and people walking to the [local public transportation]. i apologize for [action i am not aware of] which was hurtful enough for me to deserve this. i always meant well. with any luck, this letter will be passive aggressive enough for you to never [mode of communication] me again.
[strong negative feeling] aside, i am confident you will have a wonderful life and i needn’t wish good things for you, as i know they will be. these are merely the rantings of [someone who has completely lost their ability to trust others] and is [meloncholy emotion of choice]. since i never joined [social networking site] with any luck we will never have to communicate or see each other ever again and i can devote my full attention to [addiction].
sincerely,
[really emotive individual]
ps- please destroy all [items of communication] ever received from me as it both hurts and shames me to know they exist. i finally understand [self deprecating john cusack movie of choice]. furthermore, i suggest selling [gifts i gave you] since they were given with heartfelt intention based on [expletive] lies.
