The Slow Gin Fizz

…and you’re welcome

lifestyle review: sobriety May 28, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 8:53 pm
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tonight was my first sober evening since…yeah. thought i’d offer some commentary. i considered liveblogging the experience, but then i didn’t. and you’re welcome.

you may notice that all the tags here start with S as opposed to my happy drunken life where all the best things start with B. (sandwiches being the only exception). such are the thoughts you have time for when you’re sober.

  1. dropped off my second load of laundry in the last week. grand total: 39.5 pounds of sloven
  2. i still don’t enjoy talking on the phone. no one wants to text with me and yet they practically piss out their blackberries. i feel so isolated.
  3. i tried taking a stab at this ‘television’ thing i hear so much about. its very bright and loud. and why is there laughter from a crowd yet two people are talking in a small room? tv is creepy when you’re alone.
  4. enough of that, time for dinner. mmmm bacos.
  5. i think i shall retire to the bed. damn this thing is comfy. HEY turns out if i disconnect my router and then plug it back in, i have a 7 second window where it’s no longer password protected and i can connect. yay!
  6. and now i’m bored. OOH, the showtime website shows episodes for free! wow, i guess marketing DOES work.
  7. oh, no weeds episodes. and i saw the only ep of ‘this american life’ that they have. ‘secret diary of a call girl’ it is!
  8. oh god, i just found myself slipping into a british accent on the phone. i never do that when i’m drunk. am i actually british and when i get drunk and slur, i sound american?
  9. i’m so tired. it must be all the sex for money that i’m having. oh wait, that’s just the tv show. how confusing! true, i don’t get paid for sex, BUT i don’t have to wear makeup and confining leather garb. then again, having sex, paid or unpaid, would be such a better use of my time right now.
  10. this sucks. sober is boring and now i’m lonely. i miss gay cousin ted.
 

Innuendo of the Day: Deleted Scenes from ‘Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego’ May 28, 2009

Filed under: Innuendo Of The Day — theslowginfizz @ 11:50 am

“What’s close to a vagina?” – Rachel

 

Possible names for gay cousin teddy’s bike May 27, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 1:12 pm
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  1. edgar
  2. zac efron
  3. the damn thing
  4. brook lynne
  5. the pridecycle
  6. Costello
  7. the obamcycle
  8. magic
  9. ylang ylang
  10. harry carray
 

Fun things to do with gay cousin teddy’s new bicycle May 27, 2009

Filed under: Fun Things To Do With...,Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 11:09 am
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  1. drive by waterballooning hipsters
  2. picking up babes at Grant Park
  3. picking up jam and babes at the farmers market
  4. hanging out with cute sk8er boiz at the mall
  5. reenacting that scene with kevin bacon in ‘Quicksilver’
  6. wearing the supercute ET tshirt
  7. having an excuse to buy a new messenger bag
  8. biking to new york
  9. staying in new york because of new bike friendly traffic laws
  10. blasting the song ‘I drove all night’ from a boombox on the handlebars
 

Someone has stolen my internet connection at home and one of the following persons of interest is clearly responsible May 26, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 1:26 pm
Tags:

Aka, people who may feel threatened by my writings

  1. dave matthews
  2. the guy I dated who also stole my email address and Friendster account
  3. vamp crazed twilight fans (jian?)
  4. everyone who likes the o.g. ghostbusters more than the sequel
  5. anyone on the receiving end of one of the ‘letters for living’
  6. the illuminati. I’ve never mentioned them before, but in movies they always seem to be the convenient plot twist responsible for some kerfuffle or another
  7. grammar nazis [whose name rhymes with lumachel]
  8. brooklyn
  9. amanda peet
  10. billy bob thornton
 

Ways To Celebrate Memorial Day May 25, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 12:18 pm
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(without putting flowers or plants on graves) 

Guest blog by Gay Cousin Teddy

1. Drink a bottle of gin, and pour one out for the homies. 
2. BBQ involving a plethora of meats 
3. Call your gay cousin 
4. Watch Cruel Intentions (just because)
5. Stay in bed
6. Write a Memorial Day haiku (Lisa?) 
7. Grab a beer at the local VFW
8. Watch Gone With the Wind, Glory and other civil war movies to gain the perspectives of both the North and South
9. Did you know that Memorial Day was first enacted to honor Union soldiers who fell in the Civil War? 
10. Drink an indigenous beer while humming “When Johnny Comes Marching Home” 

Disclaimer: I happen to have a lot of respect to those who have served or are currently serving in our armed forces. This guest blog is not meant to disrespect those whom we remember today and does not represent the views of the ladies of the Slow Gin Fizz.

 

Problems I have with both dating and shopping May 22, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 10:51 am
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  1. I am too old for band t-shirts yet I feel too young for suits
  2. my torso is ridiculously short
  3. I really hate asymmetrical things
  4. my hips are getting bigger as the likelihood that I’ll bear children gets smaller
  5. things are really expensive
  6. I don’t respond well to synthetic fibers
  7. friends aren’t always as brutally honest as I wish they were since my friends are always right
  8. the things I go home with seem really cute at the time, but the next morning leave me wondering what I was smoking
  9. when shopping online, it’s easy to be mislead by catchy product descriptions
  10. unflattering lighting in the dressing room
 

TV & Music Review: Glee – Guest Blog by Lori May 21, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 12:48 pm
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“Lori had a religious experience watching glee last night.” Thanks, Jian. This was the best show that I’ve seen on TV, quite possibly ever (take that, Six Feet Under!). I was going to say that this is the most biased review on this site, but then I re-read some of Lisa’s and it turns out this will fall in line with the rest of them.

  1. First of all, I pledge my undying love to Matthew Morrison.  From the original Link Larkin in Broadway’s Hairspray to Fabrizio in The Light in the Piazza to Lt. Cable in South Pacific, this mofo can sing and I’m left wondering why he didn’t sing to me… err… perform in the pilot.  
  2. Jane Lynch as Cheerio coach is brilliant. “You think that’s hard, try having herpes!”
  3. Amazing writing, some of my personal faves… “those kielbasas look like they’ve been there for a long time,” “terry rides me… hard…” “possession is eight-tenths of the law,” and “i’m on my feet 4 hours a day 3 days a week.”
  4. One of the charachters is President of the Celebacy Club.  Let us pray.
  5. The details – the acapella interludes between scenes was perfect.  did i hear them sing the theme from Austin Powers? yeah I did!!
  6. Ned Ryerson as the Chronic Lady Marijuana dealer.  BING!
  7. Rachel Berry [insert gold star here] reminds me so much of idina menzel… so weird.
  8. And the dude reminds me of Chris Klein.  
  9. Don’t you think shooting paint balls at someone in close range is a bad idea? didn’t it make rich bleed once? wtf?
  10. Why do we have to wait for the fall for the next episode?!??

 And then there was the music…

  1. Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ by Journey – when that guy is spray painging the lawn singing this song I was in heaven.  Now it’s your turn girl to cry!
  2. Where is Love from Oliver – every kid who’s ever been in a chorus has sung this song – that’s why it’s such a brilliant choice to sing here.  
  3. Rehab by Amy Winehouse – there’s even a little something for Rachel in this show.
  4. Respect by Aretha Franklin – my favorite line from this character, Mercedes, comes later when they ask her if she can do the costumes.  ”Damn, do you see what I got on?”
  5. On My Own from Les Miserables – i love [this show] but only on my own.
  6. I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry – rachel: jian, are you happy there’s an asian? jian: ummm…???
  7. You’re The One That I Want from Grease – Move over, Olivia & John, I’ll take real high schoolers singing this song over the originals any day of the week!
  8. I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon – also highlighted in the musical Rock of Ages, rachel still can’t name that tune until the chorus
  9. Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey – I mean, there is nothing to say about this song other than it’s f*in brilliant.  Ask the Sopranos guys, they understand.
  10. Honorable mentions to: Shining Star by EW&F, Mr. Cellophane from Chicago, That’s the Way I Like it by KC & The Sunshine Band, Sit Down You’re Rocking The Boat from Guys & Dolls, and all the other songs I missed because there were so many!
 

The gay marriage debate May 20, 2009

Filed under: Ethical Debates,Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 9:44 am
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There’s a lot of emotion I could throw around about this, so I’ll just keep it actual, factual, and snappy.

Things that were illegal at some point

  1. interracial marriage
  2. alcohol
  3. owning gold
  4. the curveball
  5. magic
  6. valium
  7. abortion
  8. ultimate fighting
  9. being catholic
  10. being an American (as opposed to being british)

concurrently, things at are actually legal now

  1. marital infidelity
  2. the death penalty
  3. owning guns
  4. being a convicted murderer and having a child
  5. being a convicted murderer and getting married
  6. cigarettes
  7. high level torture
  8. destroying the environment
  9. hunting
  10. marrying your cousin
 

Possible reasons why my router does not automatically connect to my desired internet connection May 19, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 10:22 am
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  1. my router likes it manual
  2. my router is not ready for a long term commitment
  3. my router threw back a few too many at lunch
  4. my router has bipolar affective disorder
  5. my router doesn’t think that ‘undressed’ is sending me a good message
  6. my router has read the blog and is not impressed
  7. my router no longer finds my epically disastrous online dating funny and thinks it’s just plain sad
  8. my router is bemused by the fact that I don’t fully understand what it is or how it works
  9. my router is really sick of listening to me sing outfield’s ‘your love’
  10. furthermore, my router could not care less that josie is on vacation far away