- you are a man
- you are a former cop
- you have a pregnant significant other
- you are a crazy teenager
- you own cufflinks
- you committed the perfect crime
- you killed two birds with one stone
- you have a weird dietary restriction
- you commit a crime in vegas
- you piss off catherine willows
you will always get caught on the show CSI when… October 10, 2009
Pop Quiz Hotshot October 9, 2009
feverish delusion or something i saw in the original miniseries V, which i watched in its entirety tonight
- reptiles disguised as humans
- wearing ‘men at work’ jumpsuits
- mankind being in the hands of a poor man’s kevin bacon
- an alien impregnating a young human virgin aboard the mothership
- an abundance of members only jackets
- feathered hair
- maggie seaver as a bitter divorce
- a food cart vendor who delivers in a skimpy waitress uniform
- lisa enjoying science fiction
- the media being manipulated by the hands of evil. ah, i guess everything is as it should be.
Reasons I would like to become a robot October 9, 2009
- no man is an island, but robots can be with the right programming
- in the movies, robots always win in fights
- in cartoons, they are friendly
- in south africa, they are traffic lights
- they are usually shiny
- KITT was like the coolest car ever, and even kept hasselhoff from drinking
- robots don’t get sick
- no one breaks up with a robot
- I could be the physical embodiment of hotness without having to go to the gym
- no one ever calls robots nice
being called nice isn’t a compliment anymore October 8, 2009
so, if anyone wants to break up with me or tell me they don’t want to see me anymore, these are synonyms that i’m slightly less sick of. yes, they seem like a stretch, but you never have to talk to me again.
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/nice
- charming
- ducky
- winsome
- delightful
- swell
- becoming
- breezy
- gracious
- lovely
- winning
theatre review: let me down easy 2nd stage theatre October 8, 2009
- first off, this is not about health care. this is about dying. i hate crying in public. but this show was worth it
- anna deavere smith was incredible, but her accents were a bit off and distracting at times. i loved her in the american president.
- but she totally took on the personas of all these different personalities and told their stories with such dignity.
- ann richards sounds like she kicks ass
- i wish i had a bull rider friend
- the afterparty was here: http://www.obscenenyc.com/2009/09/12/photos-showtime-house-in-tribeca/
- omg how incredible! i felt like a little kid running around like alice in wonderland
- turns out i like vodka and seltzer
- bryan’s the coolest guy ever
- sorry, i feel lousy today. this show deserves a better review.
people Rachel belongs with besides me October 7, 2009
- a man with impeccable grammar
- sensitivity trainers
- rehabilitation experts
- dressmakers
- anglophiles
- puppy kickers
- distillery workers
- meat farmers
- the media
- craig ferguson
if taylor swift wrote songs about people i hate, the title would be… October 5, 2009
- you belong with the bottom of the ravine your tour bus spilled all that crap into that time
- you belong with someone significantly less cool than ryan reynolds
- you belong with that county outside of new york city
- you belong with brooklyn and thank god you stay there
- you belong with billy bob thornton
- you belong with long island, not my fucking neighborhood
- you belong with philadelphia
- you belong with coleslaw, cause most people just throw it out even though they serve it with EVERYTHING
- you belong with that lameass doctor your character married in ‘somethings gotta give’
- you belong with the song ‘we built this city’
My suggestions for the Hollywood themed office pot luck October 5, 2009
none of which made the cut
- mr. potatohead salad
- bettywhite pizza
- baracked ziti
- chicken gizzards of oz
- keanu reeveslime pie
- billy deelime pie
- harry potstickers
- mickey mousse
- tuna fey casserole
- tater swift tots
- robert pate’son
- rhett velvet cupcakes
- lawrence fishsticks
- dude, where’s my miso soup?
- guacamole with the wind
Appropriate Responses To Teddy’s Fear of Dying October 5, 2009
Lisa recently tried to calm me down after I explained to her my fear of dying while running the marathon, with statistics about how many people have died at the Chicago Marathon. Here are more appropriate responses:
1. No one with an ass that bangin would ever be allowed to die.
2. I bet your bangin hair will serve as a shield toward any hazards in your way.
3. You should be more afraid of pooping your pants.
4. Just think of how bangin your ass will be after running 26 miles.
5. As long as you have Taylor Swift on your iPod while running, you’ll be fine.
6. If you do die, you’ll look fabulous in doing it in your cute running shorts.
7. Stop being a fucking pussy and just do the damn thing.
8. I love you.
9. If you don’t die I’ll take you for some cake after. You like cake don’t you?
10. Think of all the hot men who will be waiting for you at the finish line to get a piece of that bangin ass they saw running. Don’t disappoint them!
Possible reasons why I am having such strong physical and emotional reactions to the music of taylor swift October 5, 2009
- this must be my version of a sports car as age 30 closes in
- and I’m still on the bleachers
- on youtube, all you have to type is ‘Ta’ and that friggin song is the first thing that comes up
- on google, all you have to type is ‘you be’ and the lyrics to that friggin song are the first thing that comes up
- that’s what happens when you watch MTV on direct tv during a flight home when you’re terrified of flying and don’t want to go home and you just landed and that friggin video is on
- I hate cheerleaders
- I love sneakers and tshirts
- laughing on a park bench is actually really easy
- I listened to nirvana during my formative years and never got to indulge in age appropriate puppy love angst
- aka I was a fat tweenager
- had the beastie boys released their new album as scheduled, this would not be an issue
- my dad is gay
- I don’t think any of us can be held responsible for our actions in 2009. at least I didn’t get a really bad haircut.
- perhaps my amateur mixology really wasn’t the best idea and all these feelings are the result of some bad jam
- taylor is like the adorable blond perky nice popular [but not too popular] little sister I never had
