- have a drink
- cut down on the drinking
- raise the bar (metaphorically, not alcoholically. my bad.)
- move to the west coast
- stop going there (brooklyn)
- be less independent
- be more independent
- dress skankier
- treat men poorly
- date a hispanic cop
- maybe not participate in passover this year
- go to church/pray
- read ‘The Secret’
- go on more dates
- stop dating for a while
advice given to me by others during my latest dating maelstrom April 7, 2010
things that would get said in couples counseling with rachel and lisa December 7, 2009
- didn’t we we just share yesterday?
- is this byob?
- dude, it’s just grammar, chill the fuck out
- can we watch ‘love actually’ while we do this?
- just proofread emails before you send them. it takes literally a second
- dude, ‘literally’ is as unnecessary of a word as utilize
- lisa, feelings cannot be stupid or wrong. but you do really stupid things based on how you feel. a lot.
- rachel, i think that’s stupid
- you’re such an asshole
- why can’t you just say ‘i’m busy’ or ‘i don’t feel like it’ or ‘maybe, i’ll let you know by 4′ when i try to make plans?
- do you have anything heavier than a nerf baseball bat to emote with?
- can we get our friends on conference call? we’ll pay extra.
- why are you yelling? i’m sitting two feet away. ‘literally’.
- i’m gonna need honey for this level of impasse
- therapist, can we get one of those police lineup mirror windows in here? we get along better when we think no one’s watching.
- where are we going to eat after this? they have a bar, right?
- teddy’s gonna be maaaaad when i tell him you called me retarded
- if we had a friendship assessment committee, this would not be necessary
- lisa, you put the ‘ass’ in ‘assessment’
- hehe, you said ass and men
reasons why i hate ted from ‘how i met your mother’ November 21, 2009
- he corrects people’s grammar in this tone of complete condescension
- he is an unreliable narrator (which we kinda learn in the St. Patrick’s Day party episode)
- he went to Wesleyan
- i think the girl he is going to marry will be a skank
- he has an evil smile
- he had a threesome with Winnie Cooper
- Victoria was lovely and he was not only a crap boyfriend, but also cheated on her
- he went on a blind date with the same girl twice and rejected her only because she dressed up her cats
- he’s from ohio
- i can’t sleep
The gay marriage debate May 20, 2009
There’s a lot of emotion I could throw around about this, so I’ll just keep it actual, factual, and snappy.
Things that were illegal at some point
- interracial marriage
- alcohol
- owning gold
- the curveball
- magic
- valium
- abortion
- ultimate fighting
- being catholic
- being an American (as opposed to being british)
concurrently, things at are actually legal now
- marital infidelity
- the death penalty
- owning guns
- being a convicted murderer and having a child
- being a convicted murderer and getting married
- cigarettes
- high level torture
- destroying the environment
- hunting
- marrying your cousin
a committee relationship March 23, 2009
why does everyone get all malignant when I want to form committees with my friends to plan things? Many people love committees including the following groups:
- the U.S. Congress
- Libertarians
- International Olympics and Paralympics
- Mennonites
- Proms
- Mono Lake
- Concerned Journalists (redundancy committee?)
- Consciences
- 70, 100, and 200. shrug.
- Jeweler’s Vigilance
- Michigan Apples
- Protecting Bloggers
- Loon Preservation
- Archangels
- Sensible Marijuana Policies
Thoughts after my first ever viewing of ‘dancing with the stars’ with lori March 17, 2009
1. you know you’re in for a treat when one of the real housewives of nyc is in the audience and getting much camera time
2. A dance competition where young svelte pro football cheerleaders are competing against middle aged portly computer guys? i object!
3. the hostesses dress was asymmetrical like the wolf. One side strapless and one side long billowy sleeved!
4. one judge was a fly girl, the old judge claimed to have gyrated in his seat and the other is almost too gay too function. All that and yet, I found the judges boring overall.
5. if the female dancers want to be naked so badly, why don’t they just wear bathing suits to dance in?
6. those mic boxes are beyond hazardous. Steve-o can set his face on fire and be fine but a simple roll sends him to the hospital because of a microphone taped to his back?
7. i’m not sure if I have extra bones somewhere, or my hips are just lying, but normal people cannot move like these male dancers
8. denise richards is about 3 miles away from hagsville
9. Belinda Carlisle aint got the beat. (pun courtesy of lori)
10. the quickstep can be surprisingly slow and boring at times
11. isn’t there a law about how old you have to be to salsa with a virile man?
12. david alan grier I love you. But you made a better man on film than a dancer.
13. everyone should do dance numbers to the song ‘Stagger Lee’. screw it, why don’t I just watch the movie shag, which is what I really want to do anyways.
14. what I really want to see is a showdown between dancing stars and america’s next best dance crew. Aka, I want to see cheerleaders get served.
15. the song ‘superman’ still blows
a state of love and trust December 20, 2008
reasons why i trust rachel. cause it’s the holidays and people say all kinds of crap.
- she has really good grammar and spelling
- her knowledge of pop culture is unparalleled
- she knows how to pronounce all those fancy words like ambient (which apparently does not have a silent and invisible H)
- she lets me stalk people with her facebook & myspace accounts and doesn’t make me feel like a loser
- her taste in great music is evidenced by her love of wham’s ‘last christmas’
- she doesn’t get lost
- she moved out of brooklyn before puberty
- she may practice black magic market research, but doesn’t use it against me
- if she’s willing to stand by the knicks and the mets, she’ll probably always stand by me
- when i cry during movies she waits until after i stop crying to make fun of me
reasons rachel would win in a fight with lisa December 18, 2008
1. i’m really mean, especially to people i love
2. i think i’m british, and their culture is based largely on barfights
3. i drink whiskey, a man’s drink, so i’m tougher
4. i grew up with a younger brother who is taller and stronger than me, and spent many a day picking me up and trying to throw me across rooms
5. i have the ability to make lisa stop whatever she’s doing and laugh uncontrollably, simply by uttering very specific words or pop culture quotes
6. i have really good balance on my heels and am not afraid to ruin one by gouging someone’s eyes out
7. i learned everything i know about fighting from ron artest
8. i have really sharp nails that leave lasting scars
9. lisa tires easily
10. i have a dirtier mouth and am thus better at trash-talking
reasons that lisa would win in a fight with rachel December 16, 2008
- I am the underdog and in sports movies, the underdog always wins
- the negative energy just makes me stronger
- I have been watching a good deal of ultimate fighting in the last year and have honed my skills fighting off puggles
- my hands are small I know but they’re not yours, they are my own…and i have a sick grip
- the fight would not occur in Brooklyn
- Rachel wears heels that will make her unsteady
- Rachel drinks a LOT and her double vision will be her downfall
- she has a weakness for adorable dresses and she would never hit me if I wore one
- Rachel is a loyal follower of her patented Jamaica diet making her weak and skinny
- I don’t eat meat so I have better karma
an ethical debate December 14, 2008
which of the following is worse?
a) a girl who occasionally hooks up with non-boyfriends, sometimes in close proximity to each other, in random and sometimes sketchy places, and when both parties are believed to be single. while there is no cheating involved, there have been some “connections” and “gray areas” in relation to past or recent relationships.
b) a girl who, with about the same frequency, hooks up with a very close friend who, the majority of these times, is in a relationship with someone else. however, that is usually the only sketchy thing about the situation. it should also be noted the only reason she knows the guy is because he was dating her best friend when they met 9 years ago; they have both severed ties with her many years ago. additionally, there are feelings involved: “love” but not “in love.”
