The Slow Gin Fizz

…and you’re welcome

letters for living: a person who has completely destroyed your ability to trust others March 25, 2009

Filed under: Letters for Living — theslowginfizz @ 10:41 pm
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dear [name of person who has completely destroyed your ability to trust others],

congratulations on your engagement! it brings me great joy to know that the many times you hurt me was not because of [actual thing that i did wrong] but was because you never cared about me to begin with and always knew there was someone else.  it is somehow comforting to know that even though someone has made you feel like a complete tool [amount] times, there is always room for more episodes of [preferred method of emoting] while [preferred mode of transportation]. i especially enjoyed hanging out with you alone for several hours while watching [lighthearted entertainment] only to have this [expletive noun] revealed to me on a street corner in [borough that i hate] leading to me [loud method of emoting] in front of cars waiting for the light to change and people walking to the [local public transportation]. i apologize for [action i am not aware of] which was hurtful enough for me to deserve this. i always meant well.  with any luck, this letter will be passive aggressive enough for you to never [mode of communication] me again.

[strong negative feeling] aside, i am confident you will have a wonderful life and i needn’t wish good things for you, as i know they will be. these are merely the rantings of [someone who has completely lost their ability to trust others] and is [meloncholy emotion of choice]. since i never joined [social networking site] with any luck we will never have to communicate or see each other ever again and i can devote my full attention to [addiction].

sincerely,

[really emotive individual]

ps- please destroy all [items of communication] ever received from me as it both hurts and shames me to know they exist. i finally understand [self deprecating john cusack movie of choice]. furthermore, i suggest selling [gifts i gave you] since they were given with heartfelt intention based on [expletive] lies.

 

Letters For Living, Recession Style February 20, 2009

Filed under: Letters for Living — theslowginfizz @ 7:59 pm
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Volume 2: A letter to a friend who just got laid off.

Hi [name of friend],

Hey, how’s it going?  Have you seen [recent movie/tv show]?  That’s cool.  So, I heard that you were [fired/laid off/downsized/made redundant] last week.  Sorry I didn’t call you back then, I was really busy [doing something that's not work-related].  Anyway, it’s not so bad.  I wish I was [fired/laid off/downsized/made redundant].  I mean, who wants to get up at 7am, shower every day, and [do something unpleasant and soul-crushing] all day?  I’m tired of pretending that I care about my job when all I really want to do is read [favorite blog].  I’m jealous of you, really.  You’ll have all day to eat [disgusting food], watch [lame talk show/soap opera], and [fetish] to your heart’s content.  But definitely forward me your resume, I’ll be sure to forward it to my friend [make up name of friend] who does [make up position that sounds helpful] for [make up company that sounds cool].  Let me know if you want to hang out and/or watch my [pet/plant/child] during all of those free hours you’ll have.  But I can’t pay you for [pet/plant/child]-sitting, I’m saving up for a boat.  xoxo!

[name]

 

Letters for living: defriending someone who tells really long drawn out stories that are really boring without buying you drinks February 18, 2009

Filed under: Letters for Living,Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 11:50 am

Hey all, welcome to our new experimental blog segment where we attempt to provide form emails for use in various squirrely social situations. You’re welcome to reuse these free of charge though the slow gin fizz cannot be held responsible for the repercussions. Remember, edit the bolded items in brackets to reflect the actual situation.

 

Note: this is an actual email that I drafted to someone, slightly embellished. I never had the guts to send it and have been paying for it ever since. Please learn from my mistakes.

 

Hey [name of tool],

 

I’m sorry we haven’t been able to hang out in a while. I’ve been super busy since I got into [invent hobby]. Who knew that [something related to hobby that sounds easy but is probably hard] took so long to master! It’s just been such a crazy year what with that and [being single/being in a relationship/having a cat/dog/exotic orchid]. My [boyfriend/mom] has been putting all this pressure on me to settle down, so I’ve just got a lot on my plate that I’m dealing with. I know you’ve been going through a lot too with the whole [tool’s lame inconsequential issue] thing and I feel bad that I can’t be there for you.

 

However, when we hang out, you get really into talking about what is going on with you in great detail and you tend to cut me off whenever I start to talk about myself. The last time I saw you, I had all this stuff going on with [name actual significant issue you’ve had recently] and you spent the entire time talking about [name much less important issue that the person went on and on about at great length]. I know my problems aren’t always more important, but sometimes they are. With everything going on with [make up someone’s name so the tool will feel bad thinking they forgot someone important in your life because they didn’t pay attention], I just need some time to work through everything. Hope you understand.

 

I’m going on vacation to [someplace exotic that may not have internet access] but maybe once things settle down, I’ll touch base. Take care.

 

- [your full name to establish you are now on formal unfriendly terms]