- best hospital dining hall items of ‘09
- worst days ever
- harshest rejections of the decade
- favorite calories
- personal achievements of the decade
- biggest bug bites
- best fights with rachel
- things I thought would have happened by now that didn’t (#1 understanding when to use affect and effect)
- bad drink choices
- bad drunken choices
- the ones that got away
- bad habits i’ve developed
- best typos and grammatical errors
- best scripted and least probable romantic comedy moments
- biggest ny mets letdowns
End of year/decade lists I decided not to make because they were too negative December 29, 2009
I have a mutant mosquito in my room that attacks me in the night leaving disconcertingly swelled bites on my face for me to find in the morning November 23, 2009
Possible reasons for this
- it is still 2009
- nothing good happens after 2am, even when you’re alone
- some 16 yr old girls were upset at my twilight review, found out where I lived and wanted to make a statement by infesting me with blood suckers
- I’ve become a pawn in the never ending fight betwixt Predator and Alien
- the egyptians are getting their revenge for the plagues
- brooklyn has noticed my absence and has found new ways to infect my life with awful
- one of the apps on my new phone has backfired horribly
- forces are already at work to ruin ted’s vacation
- I am irresistible to all male parasites
- swelling was the only way god thought he could make my head normal sized
Reasons I am a mets fan cheering on the Yankees in the world series October 29, 2009
- I was made in the Bronx
- my mom is a yankees fan. she rocks. so does my crazy friend mike who makes baseball even superawtastic.
- even the roots left philly for new york
- remember that time philly ruined our lives? and then that other time?
- new york gets even funner when we win shit. even when the yanks lost last night, it was still crazy fun.
- phillies fans boo seven year old girls and I suspect they also kick puppies
- I finally have a valid reason for cursing at teddy
- philadelphia is closer to Brooklyn in geography and spirit
- shane? chase? jayson??? it would be like cheering on the mean rich boys from a john hughes movie.
- the phanatic is stupid
THE PROOF: http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/video?id=7088461
Concert review: the yeah yeah yeahs @ radio city music hall 9.23.09 September 24, 2009
- philly can suck it [once again]. I’ve seen the same band thrice and the fans in philly were totally lame and all young and stupid compared to here. what, your city only yells at fans at sporting events?
- the crowd was so into it, on their feet the whole time and loving every second making me love every second. I had a seat but I barely used it.
- speaking of the fans, there were some really stupid aesthetic life choices happening. it was like beacons closet vomited all over the rockettes. I’m pretty sure everyone that was at ‘dark was the night’ just never left and didn’t shower since then.
- oh yeah, there was an opening band. they were stupid and it annoyed me how some people went totally nuts for them.
- seeing concerts at radio city is really magical and makes you feel old timey. I never saw the place rock like it did tonight. plus, I was so much drier than the last time I saw them at all points west.
- really uber cool stage setup. Swirly sparkly thing and huge eyeballs. I hope jian took notes for her wedding motif.
- especially when they threw these HUGE inflatable eyeballs into the crowd to bounce around. It freaked me out when it came close, but it looked really cool from afar.
- if there’s a bedazzler shortage today, we know why
- Karen O. is so cool. she somehow manages to wear weird costumes without it seeming like a gimmick *cough cough lady gaga*. It just seems makes it a more theatrical experience. She even does costume changes but without making us wait a while.
- it’s so refreshing when the guitar just kicks your ass. that needs to happen more in modern music. I’m really freagin tired of wussy melodic instrumentals.
- the yeah yeah yeahs can totally replicate the quality of how they sound on albums but with 17 times the intensity which is rare and awesome
- they don’t mess with the songs a whole lot, which I personally like because it allows you to sing along.
- I think it’s so cool when the audience gets really amped for certain songs that weren’t singles and you know that you all love the song as a fan.
- for me, the fave songs to hear were ‘phenomenon’ and ‘cheated hearts’. Great album songs, great great live songs.
- it kinda bums me out that I’ll never hear my fave song of theirs ‘modern romance’ cause its kinda slow and a downer. but it’s a beautiful song, give it a whirl.
- wow, the yeah yeah yeahs don’t have stupid singles, that’s awesome
- when I listened to the new album once or twice, I liked it, but it didn’t rock my world. I think now that I saw the songs be so awesome live, I want to give it another chance
- if you are at all considering getting this album, I personally believe you should get the bonus edition with the acoustic versions of some of the songs, which are all really good
- Karen O. loves new york, and that makes me love her. She dedicated ‘Maps’ to NYC and even though it was at this huge venue, she made it feel like a small intimate hometown show in the city she loves. she didn’t talk much to the audience, but you still got the sense she was really happy to be home.
- shows like this are the reason I live here. yay, I love new york again! and a song called maps made it happen. Irony.
Tell me again, with less detail September 3, 2009
I keep seeing ads everywhere in nyc for this movie ‘love happens’. I dunno what it’s aboot, but here is what the premise would be if it were based on actual loves.
- love happens at the bottom of a plate of poutine
- love happens to be a bad course of action most of the time
- love happens, but never after 2am*
- except on the internet
- love happens on wikipedia in 4,977 words and 99 paragraphs [but a bitch aint one]
- love happens to the dude who breaks up with you to start seeing someone else…every…time
- love happens to be easily replaceable with a good sandwich and microwbrew
- love happens to be the only reason why Rachel puts up with my theories on relationship biscuits, time, and emotions that are stupid and wrong
- love happens when the brain releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. research has indicated that this stage generally happens to last from one and a half to three years.
- love happens to be the last name of courtney and the middle name of jennifer
* Confucius says “nothing good ever happens after 2am”
Fuzzy Memories: stuff that happened recently June 12, 2009
In the past couple of weeks, activity levels have been at an all-time high, but documentation has been at an all-time low. The correlation makes sense; being out means that we’re not sitting in front of the computer filling in the glamorous events of our lives with extraneously detailed verbiage. Lucky for me it’s Friday and things are winding down at the office…
FUCT and Lady Circus Show 6/4/09
Rachel, my BF and I ventured into Williamsburg (land of the hipsters) to see a show from one of our favorite comedy troupes in a converted warehouse/brothel. Ironically, in Rachel’s last review, she mentioned “gay cirque du soleil” – this show took that concept to a new level. The memories are fuzzy because I was under the influence of Colt 45 and sugar cubes. Here are some highlights:
- While searching for food we almost went to ‘pumps’ a female strip club
- While searching for food, we almost asked the tortilla factory for some samples
- We found a dive bar that’s even too scary for celebrities
- I found a sugar cube in my bag later that night…
- Female nudity is nowhere near as funny as male nudity
- A full person-sized vajine gave birth on-stage to full-sized people. Disturbing.
- Best line during the acrobatics: that was like the holocaust on fabric
- Best opening act: Xylopholks
- Colt 45 doesn’t taste that bad when it’s free
Superhero Celebrity Rehab: The Musical 6/6/09
The weekend before, I got stuck in traffic heading into the city attempting to make my friend’s remake of Romeo and Juliet (blech, I know). The show was surprisingly entertaining, but the point is that I broke 15 traffic laws to get to an 8pm show at 8:15pm. The show actually started at 8:30pm. A similar thing happened on the way to this show, except I got there at 8:14pm and they started at 8:15pm. Although I broke even more laws and ran up 4 flights of stairs, I’d like to thank everyone in theater for this apparent grace period. Lisa, thanks for having faith that I’d make it in time even though I was on Allen and Grand at 7:55pm.
- This show made me realize how hard superheroes have it. No…not really.
- We are seriously missing out on the genre of Comic Book Musicals. Let’s get on top of this people!
- ‘Cocaine plus superpowers’ sounds like an amazing combination
- Nightmare the Night Stallion/Mare should write a book called “The Secret”
- Nothing makes me happier than turtle-like elbow pads
- I need to buy some Fuji water and pop tarts
- The most unbelievable part of the show is when no one wanted to watch “Transformers” – what kind of crazy alternate universe is this?
- Every time the villain “Black Hole” came out I thought of the song Black Hole Sun. That made me pretty happy.
- The Scarlett Letter reminds me of _______ (fill in with that girl you know).
- If this was a reality show, I’d totally watch it.
Mike Birbiglia: Comedy for a Cause 6/11/09
Rachel, Lori, and I bravely traveled an hour into Jersey by bus, boat, car, and train last night to experience a night of laughs, charity, crying, and martinis. The REED Academy is a not-for-profit school for children with Autism. Mike Birbiglia is our “soulmate of comedy” if you will, and we would follow him anywhere (even to Englewood, NJ). Jon Fisch opened up the comedy show by telling us something about ourselves.Best quote: anyone who writes “likes to laugh” on their dating profile is apparently a raging alcoholic. Rachel laughed. Lori and I looked at Rachel.
- Even if Lori’s coworker didn’t make us take a ferry and then drive us to the theater, she’d still be pretty awesome
- Martinis and kobe sliders before a comedy show are always a good idea
- Nothing makes you feel poorer than being at a live auction where Jimmy Fallon seats sell for $500
- There are lots of Republicans who don’t appreciate Fox News jokes at auctions
- Skinny jeans have taken over; even birbigs is wearing them
- Rachel and I didn’t make a single, inappropriate autism joke last night. It cost us.
- Oprah only knows how to do one thing – make people cry
- Hearing a joke for the 15th time and still laughing is a true testament to someone’s comedic skillz
- Responding to all txt messages with said jokes is also pretty impressive
- Long bus rides are a great place to bond and catch up…except for the other patrons, who wanted to kill us for sure.
Someone has stolen my internet connection at home and one of the following persons of interest is clearly responsible May 26, 2009
Aka, people who may feel threatened by my writings
- dave matthews
- the guy I dated who also stole my email address and Friendster account
- vamp crazed twilight fans (jian?)
- everyone who likes the o.g. ghostbusters more than the sequel
- anyone on the receiving end of one of the ‘letters for living’
- the illuminati. I’ve never mentioned them before, but in movies they always seem to be the convenient plot twist responsible for some kerfuffle or another
- grammar nazis [whose name rhymes with lumachel]
- brooklyn
- amanda peet
- billy bob thornton
Shenanigans review: wine tasting at BAM, May 13th May 14, 2009
- I had wine from this one vendor that was really good
- another wine was not so good
- then this other wine was really mega awesome
- I came home with this thing that either churns butter or presses coffee. It looks confusing.
- oh my god, so much food. There was this salad with beans and fish. I’m glad I was still able to taste it at that point.
- whole foods is apparently the gatekeeper and keymaster of all fancy pickles. I really love fancy pickles.
- turns out I like okra too!
- there were these amazing mini bourbon muffins. jian tried to make me share one. she was wrong. The guys who made them wanted us to blog about them. They had hair and wore tshirts. I think.
- oh man, there were these cookies made by this girl. I was so happy.
- I talked to a vendor with a really cool paisley tie
- after an hour and a half, I was drunk. I am now really afraid of doing a long island wine tour.
- I think we were the last ones to leave, so I think that means we won the tasting. Take that Brooklyn!
- when I got home, I fell into a long chat with my neighbor who was really depressed. I must have been really inspiring.
- this morning when I reached over to turn off my alarm, I knocked a few wine corks off the table. Sometimes my life feels like a movie about addiction.
- I think I just burped wine. Is that possible?
places i would not mind getting body slammed April 26, 2009
as opposed to the beer garden where i did get body slammed into the ground composed of rocks
- the beach
- my bed
- ikea
- sleepy’s
- fuerza bruta
- the healing couch
- anywhere in keanu’s house
- met’s stadium
- chicago
- not brooklyn
Eternal sunshine on the spotless mind April 6, 2009
http://gothamist.com/2009/04/06/neuroscientists_in_brooklyn_develop.php
Things I Would Like to Forget
- ballet lessons at age 6
- tennis lessons at age 17
- senior prom
- my trip to Elmira at age 19
- the TKE Dance of the Decades Party
- the rusted root show I went to where they were totally healthy
- the time my ex cut his ear open and bled all over sean’s carpet and the subsequent trip to the ER
- the time the guy in Brooklyn wanted me to pretend I was a vampire
- the time the other guy in Brooklyn destroyed my ability to trust others
- drum lessons at age 27
- the other time(s) the guy in Brooklyn destroyed my ability to trust others
- philadelphia
- natalia’s bday party where I blacked out, danced, and lord knows what else
- the STP concert I went to where scott weiland was within an inch of death
- sake
