The Slow Gin Fizz

…and you’re welcome

Things I Have Found Myself Saying To Lisa On Her Vacation September 6, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 4:26 pm
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By Gay Cousin Ted(dy), In no patricular order:

  1. I don’t think we should go to the Hop Leaf as it’s Midnight and we need to be on the road at 6am.
  2. I don’t care what your crazy theories are, Michigan is in the eastern standard time zone.
  3. Lunchables are not tailgating food.
  4. No, I don’t think the McDonalds appear “more friendly” here.
  5. Subsequently, I’m pretty sure the hash browns taste the same.
  6. No, we’re not stopping in Gary, Indiana to sightsee.
  7. Yes, we’re stopping in Kalamazoo, Michigan to sightsee.
  8. If me and Matt want to listen to the entire Britney Spears album you’re going to just have to shut the f up and deal with it.
  9. It would take to long to explain football to you, but I’m really glad we had this conversation.
  10. If Rachel happens to ask, Chicago is indeed closer to New Orleans than New York is. Though, I still think Abita beer tastes the same in either city.
  11. I still don’t understand relationship biscuits but the equivalent in my life might be a big bag of relationship sausages.
  12. I’ll say the word pussy as many damn times as I want to.
  13. We seem to fight a lot in Chicago and Queens but not as much in Brooklyn and Ann Arbor.
  14. Stop apologizing for eating the food at the tailgate we were invited to.
  15. Please don’t walk into church and say “even the churches in chicago are nicer.”
  16. When people come to you to shake your hand during the sign of peace, please don’t start crying.
  17. Did you just perform cunnilingus on the jam?
  18. No, you can’t have anymore jam.
  19. Brick House Pizza is different than Chicago Deep Dish Pizza
  20. Don’t ever ask ask me to not repeat a Jason Mraz song. Ever.
 

Celebreality March 9, 2009

Filed under: Rachel's Lists,hopes and dreams and stuff — theslowginfizz @ 1:34 pm
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If I was a celebrity, these would be some of my demands:

1 – An all-British entourage

2 – No Dave Matthews songs can ever be played in my earshot

3 – Weekly appearances on Craig Ferguson’s show

4 – Snuggies in every hotel room

5 – Brown M&M’s and naked pictures of Bea Arthur in every room (not really, those are just movie references)

6 – Every hour is happy hour

7 – No mushrooms, ricotta cheese, tomatoes, or maple syrup on any table where I am eating a meal

8 – The Knicks have to start winning games

9 – Everyone around me must have perfect grammar and spelling

10 – Brunch is the only meal

11 – The FDA makes potato chips a food group

12 – More, or all, shoes are designed for women with my feet

13 – DATE TV becomes a reality

14 – No animals

15 – I never have to go anywhere suburban

What’s on your list?

 

Possible reasons why ex boyfriends are taking over my beloved astoria, queens February 26, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 8:59 am
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1. sure, everyone I date mocks brunch while we’re together. But the second we breakup they move to the brunch capital of queens. για δες σύμπτωση!

2. astoria, south dakota has a population of 150 and was totally booked

3. astoria, illinois only has a median income of $26,694

4. astoria, oregon was the setting for the movie ‘the goonies’, which I guess scared some of us as kids. Otherwise, this actually seems like a really great place to live with extremely moderate temperatures. They should go there. I gotta get some addresses to send the travel brochures to.

5. christopher walken was born and raised here. I guess we all want to tap into that awesomeness.

6. astoria has islamic, catholic, montessori, lutheran and most precious blood [goth] schools. My ex’s are nothing if not an eclectic mix.

7. after seeing the ‘Steinway Beer Garden’ in the Steinway neighborhood in grand theft auto IV, everyone was pretty much sold

8. they thought they could get free samples at the steinway piano factory

9. perhaps I talked up rapture a bit too much for my own good

10. geez taco truck, did you have to be right out there on the street and open all the time selling your delicious wares. you’re ruining my life!

 

Goals for my weekend February 20, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists,hopes and dreams and stuff — theslowginfizz @ 12:39 pm
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1. see beer take Debbie to a higher plateau

2. have some impasses with Rachel

3. make it to park slope for a wedding at 2:30 pm

4. successfully wear heels

5. motivate myself to blowdry my hair

6. figure out how to apply some form of makeup

7. don’t say anything heretical in front of my religious coworkers friends and family and definately don’t offer to make a speech

8. be nice(ish) to ric at his birthday party

9. make it out of park slope alive

10. Sunday brunch like whoa

 

It Would Suck If Lisa Was Never Born Because… February 9, 2009

Filed under: Birthday Love,Rachel's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 10:10 pm
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1 – nobody would ever understand what i was talking about

2 – the world would never know brilliant musical oeuvres such as “bangin’ eyes” and “asian nympho”

3 – i am not equipped to invent sports like kooshlintball on my own

4 – there has to be one person in the world, besides my dad, who will never be on facebook

5 – mr. beefy was created to be loved without measure

6 – the snuggie needs as many fans as it can get – seriously, i’m worried that nobody knows about it

7 – nobody else interesting was born on the same day – i’m looking at you, laura dern.  what have you done for me lately?

8 – everyone needs to know how awesome teddy is.  she’s a one-woman street team for the gct.

9 – all those episodes of friends don’t just watch themselves

10 – all those beers don’t just drink themselves

11 – she was there when debbie said that beer can take her to a higher plateau and we really need to make sure that memory never dies

12 – keanu’s not dumb, he’s just misunderstood.  she understands him.

13 – she tells you really important things via hysterical notes in boring classes.  and keeps the notes.

14 – brunch would be sooooooooo boring … and short

15 – she owns some really cool t-shirts, and wears them sometimes.  hey, what ever happened to “i survived the conversion”?

 

I Felt It In My Fingers… January 3, 2009

Filed under: Rachel's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 5:23 pm
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as my semi-vacation draws to a close, i thought i’d make a list of the best things about this holiday season, aka december 1 until now:

1 – forcing the boys to watch “love actually” instead of “you got served” at the potluck

2 – “rachel, i look at you and think of fallopian tubes” – the rapture christmas party

3 – five hours at the russian vodka room.  enough said.

4 – the white-boy dancing at adam’s party

5 – five consecutive days of brunches

6 – my christmas tree – it’s just amazing

7 – coining the phrase “would you like __ better if he/she/it was retarded?”

8 – the drinks at weather up

9 – amazing pizza in many different forms and places

10 – finally breaking my streak of sloppily drunk and incapacitated new years eves

11 – fancy and meatastic meals with my coworkers

12 – hearing “last christmas” in two different cabs

13 – increasing our circle of dan band concertgoers

14 – something that is likely to happen tonight as eric is let loose on the streets of manhattan

15 – the birth of this blog!

 

Easily Achieved New Year’s Resolutions December 29, 2008

Filed under: Lisa's Lists,Rachel's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 10:28 pm
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we wrote this one together – can you tell?

1 – bringing back ’90s expressions such as “psych” and “not”

2 – never watching “requiem for a dream” ever again

3 – letting lisa finally watch the rest of “how i met your mother”

4 – rachel buying at least one dress per month

5 – gaining five pounds

6 – not getting married in jamaica

7 – not getting addicted to heroin

8 – use more innuendoes on a daily basis

9 – eat brunch more often

10 – play “have you met ted?” with gay cousin ted (yeah, we can’t believe we haven’t done it yet either)