So, I finally felt the need to guest blog cause the holiday season is upon us and i’m highly unmotivated to do any kind of real work.
Firstly, I need to talk about shopping.
- Why the hell is there a velvet-roped off line outside of the A&F store on fifth avenue? Supposedly, the models from the catalogs work there, but my question is: if you’re a model for A&F (which means you have a 12-pack and you’re hot), why the hell are you working retail? Also, if you’re anything like zoolander, i’m not sure you’re going to be much help to me and my 7 kids from nebraska. well, at least you’re really, really, ridiculously good looking.
- Macy’s at herald square is where the apocalypse will surely begin. Someone should tell the people that we’re in a recession. Crowd-surfing would be the easiest way to maneuver through that store right now. what are people buying there and if they have a sale everyday, is it really still considered a sale? I wish I could remember that stuff I learned in that one econ class i took. Also, if you value your life, don’t go to the Victoria Secret on 34th street. You might get trampled by someone holding ten lace peignoirs.
- After going to Woodbury Commons on that horrible Sunday where there was a ton of snow and no shoppers, something i always knew was confirmed: stuff was horrendously overpriced before this recession hit. I am never paying full price for anything designer ever again. If you can sell an $140 dress for $45 bucks now, that means that it’s worth $45 and you were ripping people off this whole time. Gucci is 70% off, so those $500 shoes are now $120. Go get ‘em ladies!
Secondly, I need to talk about a bar.
Aspen Social Club. Go. Go there now. Wait, go before 6pm or else you won’t have a decent place to sit or stand. I went to grab drinks and a snack with my friend before seeing “The Seagull” with Kristin Scott Thomas (AMAZING), so we sat at the bar. Once you get there, check out the awesome wood action on the ceiling. The place is cavernous and rustic, much like my friend’s vajine that we always talk about. The food is awesome – lots of game (venison and bison!) and many references to the famous journalist, Hunter S. Thompson who lived and died in CO. Johnny Depp played him in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and paid for his funeral. I have to stop thinking about Johnny Depp. The bar. The bar is great. The drinks are strong and they’re huge – the Wild Turkey and Ginger martini was awesome, but I had a headache for 2 days afterwards. Why are you still sitting there? Go.
Thirdly, I saw the most romantic thing ever at the airport while waiting from my relatives to come in from Michigan. I actually started tearing…well, immediately after this scene a bunch of soldiers flying back from Iraq came down and started hugging people, so it was like an onslaught. Let me replay this Love Actually moment for ya’ll.
This guy comes down the escalator with a big “Honey, I bought you a Lexus” bow on his head. I’m like what the –
This girl runs towards him and they embrace. She starts crying and laughing.
Girl: OMG you look completely ridiculous, but that’s the best bow ever, EVER.
Guy: I just wanted to make you laugh.
Girl: It’s awesome. Thanks for wearing it. XOXO
This was the feel good moment of the year.
Lastly, I have to write down 10 reasons Rachel and Lisa will NEVER fight:
- Rachel just straightened her hair and doesn’t want to ruin it; lisa concurs
- They decide to focus their energy on hating new jersey
- They’ll get into a heated debate about where to put their shoes and pocketbooks
- One of them wasn’t really listening when the challenge was being brought on
- Rachel will trip over something and knock herself unconscious, therefore saving lisa the trouble
- Lisa/Rachel will decide that beer/whiskey is more important to her than fighting
- They will both decide that brunch is more important than fighting
- Neither one wants to start, so they just keep procrastinating
- Rachel doesn’t want to do the clean up, so they decide to watch center stage instead
- No actual contact will be made because they’re breakdance fighting
Happy Holidays!
