The Slow Gin Fizz

…and you’re welcome

Reasons I Love Lisa February 10, 2010

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 8:58 am
Tags: ,

A guest blog in tribute to my dearest Lisa on a completely random day. There is absolutely no reason I’m doing this list today, promise. Completely random. I just love her so much.

1. She writes the best haikus
2. She loves pie. As someone who loves pie’s distant cousin, cake, I can totally relate.
3. She makes amazing french toast (still bothered by the fact that she doesn’t eat it).
4. She talks about how great my hair is…like all the time.
5. I like the way you combs your hair.
6. I like the stylish clothes you wear.
7. It’s just the little things you do.
8. That make me want to get with you. (sorry, creepy, but that song has been in my head for the last 5 minutes).
9. She sends a good postcard.
10. When you get her riled up she’ll insult your sexuality.
11. And probably insult the orifice you most commonly use as a sexual being.
12. She writes great lists
13. To this day, I have never had a hangover as fun as the one with her.
14.  She knows where the best sandwiches are.
15. She likes great beer.
16. She’s Mr. Pibb’s biggest fan.
17. She makes me laugh all the time…and sometimes pee my pants.
18. She loves the Mets and as a fan of a losing baseball team, I can relate.
19. She has an uber comfortable bed.
20. So many things that I want to say, you know I like my girls a little bit older. I don’t want to lose your love tonight.

Wszystkiego najlepszego z okazji urodzin Lisa! Sto Lat!

Kocham Cie,
Tsvel Kuzyn Tadziu (Gay Cousin Ted)

 

Appropriate Responses To Teddy’s Fear of Dying October 5, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 12:05 pm
Tags: , , ,

Lisa recently tried to calm me down after I explained to her my fear of dying while running the marathon, with statistics about how many people have died at the Chicago Marathon. Here are more appropriate responses:

1. No one with an ass that bangin would ever be allowed to die.
2. I bet your bangin hair will serve as a shield toward any hazards in your way.
3.  You should be more afraid of pooping your pants.
4. Just think of how bangin your ass will be after running 26 miles.
5. As long as you have Taylor Swift on your iPod while running, you’ll be fine.
6. If you do die, you’ll look fabulous in doing it in your cute running shorts.
7. Stop being a fucking pussy and just do the damn thing.
8. I love you.
9. If you don’t die I’ll take you for some cake after. You like cake don’t you?
10. Think of all the hot men who will be waiting for you at the finish line to get a piece of that bangin ass they saw running. Don’t disappoint them!

 

jian’s interboro amalgamated nu committees as no wedding ever did September 29, 2009

Filed under: Fun Things To Do With...,Lisa's Lists,hopes and dreams and stuff — theslowginfizz @ 7:20 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

aka j.i.a.n.-c.a.n.-w.e.d.

aka, committees i would like to head up if anyone besides me liked committees.

  1. the wedding song committee (a sub-committee of lori and rachel’s music committee)
  2. the besides-the-wedding cake dessert committee
  3. the looking at wedding dresses online at work committee
  4. and it’s subcommittee, the creative ways to tell your coworkers that no, it’s not your wedding and yes, you’re ok and you know there’s someone out there for you too committee
  5. the who can gay cousin ted hook up with at jian’s wedding committee
  6. the poor life choices made at the bachelorette party committee
  7. the hangover mitigation committee
  8. the why is that guy yelling committee
  9. the ways and means committee (aka, the ways and means of telling people they can’t bring their loud and disruptive too young for public kids to the wedding committee)
  10. the inappropriate yet giggle worthy arts and crafts committee
  11. the honeymoon itinerant committee
  12. the hookups with the bartender and catering staff committee
  13. the creative, yet accurate, old/new/borrowed/blue committee
  14. the formal in front of relatives toasting committee
  15. the informal not in front of relatives roasting committee
 

Progressively Drunken Dialogue September 7, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 12:40 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

*Disclaimer: This post includes foul language, references to vaginas, anger and what could be considered racist statements. This is what happens when Lisa and Teddy go to Showtunes night at a gay bar followed by the best beer haus on the planet.

Lisa: I’m not sure I like small dogs. My coworker had a small dog that was really cute, but I didn’t want to touch it out of fear that I’d break it or something.
Teddy: That’s because you destroy everything you touch
____

Teddy: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking whore.
Lisa: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking fag hag.
____

Teddy: Have you seen this movie? (in reference to The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)
Lisa: Ahh, no. I’m straight.
Teddy: Umm, hello? Dolly Parton?
Lisa: Hello? Straight?
Teddy: Hello? Whorehouse? Whore?
____

Teddy: Lisa, were you aware that you don’t need pimps to get your daily business done?
Lisa: No, I wasn’t. And now I’m fucking pissed off because that’s 7 years of my life I’ll never get back.
____

Teddy: Omg Lisa, look…it’s you in 50 years! (across the bar was a very old fag hag)
Lisa: Are you fucking kidding me? Are you even fucking kidding me?
____

Lisa: This is the point in the evening where Sean would just shit himself and die
____

Lisa: I feel bad that you’re here with me
Teddy: Umm, why?
Lisa: Because you’d rather be having gay sex with men?
Teddy: I can take a night off
Lisa: Can you?
____

Lisa: OMG, is this fucking Oklahoma!?
____

Teddy: Do you see that boy over there with the shirt that says “Check Out My Stimulus Package”?
Lisa: Yes, and I want to fucking disembowel him. However, I’ve reconsidered as he’s gay and clearly not a threat to me.
____

Lisa: OMG, more fucking Oklahoma!? Are you kidding me?
____

Lisa: If I wasn’t in the gayest place in America, I’d have meaningless sex with anyone whom talked to me right now.
____

Lisa: You just out-gayed yourself, which I didn’t think was possible.
Teddy: Shut the fuck up
____

Teddy: Lisa, feel better, I just counted 5 women in this room
Lisa: Shut up
Teddy: I just didn’t want you to feel alone
Lisa: Shut the fuck up before I fucking break a god-damn bottle over your fucking head.
____

Teddy: You know the gays totally love this song.
Lisa: Really? I would never have believed that the gays would love something with Olivia Newton John wearing a bedazzled bikini from the 70s. (Xanadu)
____

Lisa: I’m kind of glad I’m here as there is absolutely no chance of getting pregnant tonight.
____

Lisa: I’m nervous. The next time I do something gay it’ll pale in comparrison to this.
Teddy: I know right? The first time you have lesbian sex you’re going to stop her in the middle and say “what the fuck is this shit?”
____

Lisa: This has been the best two days of my life!
Teddy: I don’t doubt it. If I didn’t lead a much more exciting life than you, I’d probably agree.
____

Lisa: Oh look, there are gays over there signing!
Teddy: Remember when I tried to teach you how to sign at the Michigan game? You’d be a really bad deaf person because your fingers are too fucking deformed to communicate.
Lisa: You need to worry about my fingers less and your asshole more.
____

Teddy: I bet that old fag hag was a young fag hag when this video came out (Bugle Boy of Company B)
____

Teddy: Do you think Rachel would enjoy herself at Showtune night?
Lisa: Are you kidding? Rachel would give up all the promiscuous sex in the world for this shit.
____

Lisa: Thank you for taking to me to a place where I’ve realized my life is a fucking sham
Teddy: What the fuck are you talking about?
Lisa: I fucking hate you. I hope someone slightly too big shoves it in slightly too hard.
____

Lisa: I’m going to punch you in the asshole
____

Lisa: I actually hate this song. It’s overplayed, like my vagine.
____

Teddy: OMG the boy from Glee is so fucking hot.
Lisa: Lori wants to do so many illegal-in-Michigan things to him.
____

Teddy: Suck it bitch
Lisa: No, not my target market
Teddy: You’re right, we’re not at a prison.
____

Teddy: Did you notice that there are like 117 Makers Mark bottles hanging in that thing up there?
Lisa: Yeah, Rachel would be so happy right now.
Teddy: Because she’s an alcoholic?
Lisa: Yeah, and a whore.
____

(Video with Barbara Streisand and Judy Garland comes on)
Teddy: Oh look! A fucking Jew! It’s you!
Lisa: Oh look! A fucking alcoholic whore! It’s you!
____

Lisa: Just for that I’m going to drink 17 Kettle One Krushes (purple slushies) just to yack them all up on you. No one will ever love you.
____

Lisa: When we drink together, you get racist and I get violent.
Teddy: Tell me about it
Lisa: I just did.
____

Lisa: I fucking hate Moulin Rouge
Teddy: Are you fucking kidding me?
Lisa: I should quiet down or I’ll get shot.
____

Teddy: Oh this song from Moulin Rouge is so great! Sean and Nicole had it for their wedding dance.
Lisa: Sean plays hockey and he had this as his wedding song? I guess we know who wears the balls in that family.
____

(in reference to Lisa’s parents not appreciating the revival of Hair as much as when they were younger)
Teddy: Well I guess that makes sense. If I saw Rent 40 years from now, I’m not sure it would be as emotional or powerful.
Lisa: Oh give me a fucking break. You’d still cry and pee yourself silly.
____

Teddy: OMG Linda Eder! God I love her!
Lisa: Yeah, she’s got a nice voice, but she’s dead right?
Teddy: What?
Lisa: She died.
Teddy: She did not.
Lisa: Yeah, she did, I’m positive of it.
Teddy has a heart attack and nearly starts crying. While shaking he quickly checks his web enabled mobile device to find out if this is true. Luckily, Lisa is a fucking liar and Linda Eder is still alive.
Teddy: No, she’s alive. I can’t believe you just put me through that. Are you fucking kidding me? You found it appropriate to tell a gay that his favorite broadway diva died, while at gay showtune night? What the fuck is wrong with you.
____

(evita is on)
Teddy: Oh look, this is when I used to like Madonna
Lisa: Did that just happen?
Teddy: I’m sorry, but I used to like her. She turned into a slutty, greasy, nasty, trashy, fucking whore. I can’t stand what she’s become.
Lisa: Teddy, it’s time you just accept the way things are.
Teddy: No, I can’t accept what she’s become.
Lisa: I’m talking about me.
____

(as we’re about to leave to go to the Hop Leaf)
Lisa: I can’t wait to drink some fucking beers like the lesbian I am.
____

Lisa: Can we stop first so I can get some cigarettes?
Teddy: Oh sure, you haven’t inconvenienced me once tonight so I suppose it was bound to happen.
Lisa: Did you hear something? I couldn’t quite make it out but it sounded like a large vagina talking.
____

Teddy: What do you think Jian is doing right now?
Lisa: Probably having committal sex. I feel bad for her.
Teddy: I don’t. Her boyfriend is hot. I’d probably have sex with him if he was a gay man.
Lisa: You’d have sex with him regardless.
Teddy: You’re right. I like asians and he’s hot. He’s a hot asian. Don’t tell Jian.
Lisa: Then don’t write this down.
Teddy: Ok.
____

As heard on the street by some random gay: I knew this Queen in Detroit who looked just like Lilly Tomlin.
____

Lisa: I want to get 17 of these beers. 7 to drink and 10 to put in my vagina.
____

Lisa: It’s like Jesus and barley collided in my mouth.
____

Teddy: If I see a man in a cowboy hat my legs immediately go over my head.
Lisa: We have that in common.
____

Teddy: Oh my god that fucking cowboy is so hot!
Lisa: I know. I want him to fill all of my orifices.
(Teddy then spits out his beer)
____

Teddy: When we get home and you’re safely asleep on the couch, I’m going to masturbate like it’s my god damn job.
____

Lisa: If he were gay, I would undergo a sex change operation just to get it on with him.
____

Lisa: I feel bad because that girl in the polka dot dress has no friends.
Teddy: I know. She also doesn’t have a chest.
Lisa: My dirty pillows make her feel inadequate.
____

Lisa: Polish people are the greatest god damn people to have ever walked this shit hole of an earth.
____

Lisa: While you were fingering your asshole, I was fucking crying. (note: I have no idea in what context this was said)
____

Lisa: Can you just shove something cantankerous up your fucking ass?

 

Innuendo of the day: Overly Specific Brunch Edition September 6, 2009

Filed under: Innuendo Of The Day — theslowginfizz @ 5:04 pm
Tags: , , ,

“Brunch was like Jesus, sour cream, cheddar cheese, black beans and chicken sausage had an orgy in my mouth and just when they all thought they couldn’t take anymore, Cinnamon-Raisin Toast came along and said, ‘hold on: i’m about to fuck the shit out of all of you and then after we’re done I’m going to have sex with blackberry jam in Lisa’s mouth’.”

-Gay Cousin Teddy

 

Things I Have Found Myself Saying To Lisa On Her Vacation September 6, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 4:26 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

By Gay Cousin Ted(dy), In no patricular order:

  1. I don’t think we should go to the Hop Leaf as it’s Midnight and we need to be on the road at 6am.
  2. I don’t care what your crazy theories are, Michigan is in the eastern standard time zone.
  3. Lunchables are not tailgating food.
  4. No, I don’t think the McDonalds appear “more friendly” here.
  5. Subsequently, I’m pretty sure the hash browns taste the same.
  6. No, we’re not stopping in Gary, Indiana to sightsee.
  7. Yes, we’re stopping in Kalamazoo, Michigan to sightsee.
  8. If me and Matt want to listen to the entire Britney Spears album you’re going to just have to shut the f up and deal with it.
  9. It would take to long to explain football to you, but I’m really glad we had this conversation.
  10. If Rachel happens to ask, Chicago is indeed closer to New Orleans than New York is. Though, I still think Abita beer tastes the same in either city.
  11. I still don’t understand relationship biscuits but the equivalent in my life might be a big bag of relationship sausages.
  12. I’ll say the word pussy as many damn times as I want to.
  13. We seem to fight a lot in Chicago and Queens but not as much in Brooklyn and Ann Arbor.
  14. Stop apologizing for eating the food at the tailgate we were invited to.
  15. Please don’t walk into church and say “even the churches in chicago are nicer.”
  16. When people come to you to shake your hand during the sign of peace, please don’t start crying.
  17. Did you just perform cunnilingus on the jam?
  18. No, you can’t have anymore jam.
  19. Brick House Pizza is different than Chicago Deep Dish Pizza
  20. Don’t ever ask ask me to not repeat a Jason Mraz song. Ever.
 

LIVE FROM CHICAGO IT’S LISA September 6, 2009

Filed under: Fun Things To Do With...,Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 3:56 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

greetings from chicago, day 2. i personally believe that it is better here.

misc

  1. i am never flying alone ever again
  2. while distraught and alone on a plane, one should not watch ‘say yes to the dress’ on direct tv
  3. terminal 5 is institutional and scary and the bar is lame
  4. o’hare has less people peeing on the toilette seat and nicer less institutional sinks
  5. gay cousin ted’s roommate is awesome and patient and made me not hate all matts

the drive to U of M

  1. so this is what 4:30am on a saturday looks like. feels weird to not be standing in line for shakespeare in the park tickets.
  2. oh my god, the mcdonald’s hash browns taste better here
  3. this was the gayest/longest car ride of my life
  4. the car rides are better in chicago
  5. OMG GARY INDIANA! smells like jersey.
  6. OMG KALAMAZOO! shrug.
  7. the quick stops are totally better here. they sell kegs of indigenous beer.
  8. i love mini muffins and combos
  9. even in chicago/michigan/indiana, people make fun of my snack choices
  10. uncle mark is really weird on the phone

tailgating at U of M

  1. oh my fucking god
  2. so, we walked ten miles to the game from the car. people were tailgating all along the way
  3. dude, people set up tents. with personalized banners.
  4. and have flower pots with flowers. real flowers.
  5. and candelabras
  6. i personally believe that Abita purple haze tastes better here because it is closer to new orleans
  7. the food offerings at this tailgate are equivalent to the best barbeque i have ever been to
  8. people have their cars painted. professionally. to support the team.
  9. i really wish i could have enjoyed gay cousin ted’s giant bag of polish sausage
  10. i was a new york jew who doesn’t eat meat and had never been to a football game. it is a miracle no one peed on me.

my first football game (university of michigan vs. western michigan)

  1. they don’t sell beer [small or large] at college football games. you understand why within five minutes of being there. but the stadium pizza tastes better.
  2. stadium attendance was 109,422
  3. i would say 7/9ths of those people were wearing team spirit clothing
  4. i have never been at a sporting event and not seen a single yankees or mets piece of clothing
  5. football is mathy. but i like it.
  6. i definately don’t understand it. but you can’t argue with bamf fun
  7. aunt amy kept telling michigan to move their chains. i think they did, but i’m not entirely sure how.
  8. the wave works a lot better when the team is actually winning and there are more than 100 people watching the game
  9. cowbell man isn’t as fun. he’s just a dude with a cowbell.
  10. EVERYONE knows the fight song

church

  1. churches are nicer in chicago
  2. you have to talk to strangers though
  3. and shake their hands. unfortunately i do not enjoy touching people anymore.
  4. even in chicago, when i say where i work, people want to talk to about the time they called to report a car accident
  5. i like when the stained glass windows have smiling jesus and not crucified jesus
  6. gay cousin ted’s church is really gay. literally.
  7. i like when people talk about farming but i’m much more interested in jewish carpenters
  8. rachel would’ve liked this, the pastor wanted us to light her candle
  9. the holy water is totally more holy in chicago
  10. what i learned at church: the bouncy house is for adults too

brunch

  1. the only reason i am wasting my vacation blogging is because i’m too full to move
  2. ted thought it would be fun to bring me to a place without a liquor license
  3. in new york a 20 minute wait means 37 minutes. in chicago, it means 10 minutes.
  4. i personally believe that the oranges are unequivocally better in chicago. visa vie, so was the fresh squeezed orange juice
  5. there is no finer egg sandwich than that which is served on toasted sourdough bread with gorgonzola cheese and vegetarian sausage
  6. you might say that jesus and sausage collided in my mouth and broke the yoke of my eggs
  7. some extremely lucky couples have relationship biscuits. me and teddy have relationship cinnamon bread with jam
  8. my reaction to eating the cinnamon bread with jam actually frightened ted.
  9. apparently i was being too much of a lesbian with my jam
  10. considering we had just gone to a reconciling ministry, i would have expected him to be more open and affirming to my lovemaking with the jam
 

Things teddy would never say on a first date August 27, 2009

Filed under: Fun Things To Do With...,Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 9:46 am
Tags: ,
  1. you’re a democrat? oh. i always found republicans to be smarter, and somewhat sexier.
  2. but really, I don’t care much about politics. I can’t even remember whom I voted for I the last election!
  3. dessert? Oh I couldn’t!
  4. as much as I want to take a picture of this tasty looking cake to text my to my friends, I won’t.
  5. as much as I want to take a picture of this tasty looking date to email to my friends in the morn, I won’t.
  6. did you hear the joke about the special olympics?
  7. you ride a bike? what, you can’t afford a car?
  8. guys from the midwest are soooooo provincial.
  9. you seem great, but you are way too young for me (sorry teddy, couldn’t resist)
  10. please, call me ted. teddy sounds so immature.
 

Things gay cousin ted would never say (volume 1) August 25, 2009

Filed under: Fun Things To Do With...,Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 4:22 pm
Tags:
  1. I’m not gay, I’m just…busy
  2. lisa was totally right about edward cullen beating harry potter. magic really does more harm than good!
  3. cake is the last thing I want right now
  4. I really want to re-read breaking dawn
  5. can I just have one taco?
  6. I hate the color blue. 
  7. my uncle mark is sooo normal and never sends any weird texts
  8. why don’t we make more jokes about autistic kids?
  9. I wish my tag on this website weren’t so big
  10. kindly refrain from doing any damn things. thank you!
 

Things to cheer up gay cousin teddy today July 29, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 11:46 am
Tags:
  1. the mets are on a winning streak
  2. the collecting of beer coasters is called tegestology
  3. Chicago is home to the second largest labor pool in the United States with approximately 4.25 million workers
  4. is it possible for people to drink water that was part of the dinosaur era? Yep!
  5. there’s a 102% chance this evening that someone in nyc will call and or text teddy
  6. Chicago has the third largest gross metropolitan product in the nation
  7. happy birthday clara bow, tim gunn, wil wheaton, & stephen dorff
  8. on this day in 1958, U.S. president dwight d. eisenhower signed into law the national aeronautics and space act, which created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA)
  9. blue M&Ms not only bring out the color of ted’s eyes, but may help cure paralysis http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/chi-talk-blue-mmsjul29,0,3104385.story
  10. Michigan was the first state in the Union, as well as the first English-speaking government in the world, to abolish the death penalty, in 1846