*Disclaimer: This post includes foul language, references to vaginas, anger and what could be considered racist statements. This is what happens when Lisa and Teddy go to Showtunes night at a gay bar followed by the best beer haus on the planet.
Lisa: I’m not sure I like small dogs. My coworker had a small dog that was really cute, but I didn’t want to touch it out of fear that I’d break it or something.
Teddy: That’s because you destroy everything you touch
____
Teddy: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking whore.
Lisa: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking fag hag.
____
Teddy: Have you seen this movie? (in reference to The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)
Lisa: Ahh, no. I’m straight.
Teddy: Umm, hello? Dolly Parton?
Lisa: Hello? Straight?
Teddy: Hello? Whorehouse? Whore?
____
Teddy: Lisa, were you aware that you don’t need pimps to get your daily business done?
Lisa: No, I wasn’t. And now I’m fucking pissed off because that’s 7 years of my life I’ll never get back.
____
Teddy: Omg Lisa, look…it’s you in 50 years! (across the bar was a very old fag hag)
Lisa: Are you fucking kidding me? Are you even fucking kidding me?
____
Lisa: This is the point in the evening where Sean would just shit himself and die
____
Lisa: I feel bad that you’re here with me
Teddy: Umm, why?
Lisa: Because you’d rather be having gay sex with men?
Teddy: I can take a night off
Lisa: Can you?
____
Lisa: OMG, is this fucking Oklahoma!?
____
Teddy: Do you see that boy over there with the shirt that says “Check Out My Stimulus Package”?
Lisa: Yes, and I want to fucking disembowel him. However, I’ve reconsidered as he’s gay and clearly not a threat to me.
____
Lisa: OMG, more fucking Oklahoma!? Are you kidding me?
____
Lisa: If I wasn’t in the gayest place in America, I’d have meaningless sex with anyone whom talked to me right now.
____
Lisa: You just out-gayed yourself, which I didn’t think was possible.
Teddy: Shut the fuck up
____
Teddy: Lisa, feel better, I just counted 5 women in this room
Lisa: Shut up
Teddy: I just didn’t want you to feel alone
Lisa: Shut the fuck up before I fucking break a god-damn bottle over your fucking head.
____
Teddy: You know the gays totally love this song.
Lisa: Really? I would never have believed that the gays would love something with Olivia Newton John wearing a bedazzled bikini from the 70s. (Xanadu)
____
Lisa: I’m kind of glad I’m here as there is absolutely no chance of getting pregnant tonight.
____
Lisa: I’m nervous. The next time I do something gay it’ll pale in comparrison to this.
Teddy: I know right? The first time you have lesbian sex you’re going to stop her in the middle and say “what the fuck is this shit?”
____
Lisa: This has been the best two days of my life!
Teddy: I don’t doubt it. If I didn’t lead a much more exciting life than you, I’d probably agree.
____
Lisa: Oh look, there are gays over there signing!
Teddy: Remember when I tried to teach you how to sign at the Michigan game? You’d be a really bad deaf person because your fingers are too fucking deformed to communicate.
Lisa: You need to worry about my fingers less and your asshole more.
____
Teddy: I bet that old fag hag was a young fag hag when this video came out (Bugle Boy of Company B)
____
Teddy: Do you think Rachel would enjoy herself at Showtune night?
Lisa: Are you kidding? Rachel would give up all the promiscuous sex in the world for this shit.
____
Lisa: Thank you for taking to me to a place where I’ve realized my life is a fucking sham
Teddy: What the fuck are you talking about?
Lisa: I fucking hate you. I hope someone slightly too big shoves it in slightly too hard.
____
Lisa: I’m going to punch you in the asshole
____
Lisa: I actually hate this song. It’s overplayed, like my vagine.
____
Teddy: OMG the boy from Glee is so fucking hot.
Lisa: Lori wants to do so many illegal-in-Michigan things to him.
____
Teddy: Suck it bitch
Lisa: No, not my target market
Teddy: You’re right, we’re not at a prison.
____
Teddy: Did you notice that there are like 117 Makers Mark bottles hanging in that thing up there?
Lisa: Yeah, Rachel would be so happy right now.
Teddy: Because she’s an alcoholic?
Lisa: Yeah, and a whore.
____
(Video with Barbara Streisand and Judy Garland comes on)
Teddy: Oh look! A fucking Jew! It’s you!
Lisa: Oh look! A fucking alcoholic whore! It’s you!
____
Lisa: Just for that I’m going to drink 17 Kettle One Krushes (purple slushies) just to yack them all up on you. No one will ever love you.
____
Lisa: When we drink together, you get racist and I get violent.
Teddy: Tell me about it
Lisa: I just did.
____
Lisa: I fucking hate Moulin Rouge
Teddy: Are you fucking kidding me?
Lisa: I should quiet down or I’ll get shot.
____
Teddy: Oh this song from Moulin Rouge is so great! Sean and Nicole had it for their wedding dance.
Lisa: Sean plays hockey and he had this as his wedding song? I guess we know who wears the balls in that family.
____
(in reference to Lisa’s parents not appreciating the revival of Hair as much as when they were younger)
Teddy: Well I guess that makes sense. If I saw Rent 40 years from now, I’m not sure it would be as emotional or powerful.
Lisa: Oh give me a fucking break. You’d still cry and pee yourself silly.
____
Teddy: OMG Linda Eder! God I love her!
Lisa: Yeah, she’s got a nice voice, but she’s dead right?
Teddy: What?
Lisa: She died.
Teddy: She did not.
Lisa: Yeah, she did, I’m positive of it.
Teddy has a heart attack and nearly starts crying. While shaking he quickly checks his web enabled mobile device to find out if this is true. Luckily, Lisa is a fucking liar and Linda Eder is still alive.
Teddy: No, she’s alive. I can’t believe you just put me through that. Are you fucking kidding me? You found it appropriate to tell a gay that his favorite broadway diva died, while at gay showtune night? What the fuck is wrong with you.
____
(evita is on)
Teddy: Oh look, this is when I used to like Madonna
Lisa: Did that just happen?
Teddy: I’m sorry, but I used to like her. She turned into a slutty, greasy, nasty, trashy, fucking whore. I can’t stand what she’s become.
Lisa: Teddy, it’s time you just accept the way things are.
Teddy: No, I can’t accept what she’s become.
Lisa: I’m talking about me.
____
(as we’re about to leave to go to the Hop Leaf)
Lisa: I can’t wait to drink some fucking beers like the lesbian I am.
____
Lisa: Can we stop first so I can get some cigarettes?
Teddy: Oh sure, you haven’t inconvenienced me once tonight so I suppose it was bound to happen.
Lisa: Did you hear something? I couldn’t quite make it out but it sounded like a large vagina talking.
____
Teddy: What do you think Jian is doing right now?
Lisa: Probably having committal sex. I feel bad for her.
Teddy: I don’t. Her boyfriend is hot. I’d probably have sex with him if he was a gay man.
Lisa: You’d have sex with him regardless.
Teddy: You’re right. I like asians and he’s hot. He’s a hot asian. Don’t tell Jian.
Lisa: Then don’t write this down.
Teddy: Ok.
____
As heard on the street by some random gay: I knew this Queen in Detroit who looked just like Lilly Tomlin.
____
Lisa: I want to get 17 of these beers. 7 to drink and 10 to put in my vagina.
____
Lisa: It’s like Jesus and barley collided in my mouth.
____
Teddy: If I see a man in a cowboy hat my legs immediately go over my head.
Lisa: We have that in common.
____
Teddy: Oh my god that fucking cowboy is so hot!
Lisa: I know. I want him to fill all of my orifices.
(Teddy then spits out his beer)
____
Teddy: When we get home and you’re safely asleep on the couch, I’m going to masturbate like it’s my god damn job.
____
Lisa: If he were gay, I would undergo a sex change operation just to get it on with him.
____
Lisa: I feel bad because that girl in the polka dot dress has no friends.
Teddy: I know. She also doesn’t have a chest.
Lisa: My dirty pillows make her feel inadequate.
____
Lisa: Polish people are the greatest god damn people to have ever walked this shit hole of an earth.
____
Lisa: While you were fingering your asshole, I was fucking crying. (note: I have no idea in what context this was said)
____
Lisa: Can you just shove something cantankerous up your fucking ass?
