none of which made the cut
Keanu films that best aptly reflect how I am feeling
1 – that keanu should take some acting classes.
2 – i think i want cake at my wedding instead of pie.
3 – what’s a text message?
4 – wait, i have to make a phone call.
5 – can we start planning my birthday party now? i can’t wait!!!!
6 – this would taste better if it wasn’t a sandwich.
7 – don’t remind me, i’ll remember on my own.
8 – feelings are my favorite.
9 – isn’t that an improper use of the word “effect”?
10 – i’ve been apartment hunting in brooklyn.
cause apparently the lessons from my life are not helping any of us.
http://www.mediabistro.com/unbeige/contests/unbeige_design_haiku_contest_winners_112274.asp
now that I have achieved widespread fame and glory, it’s time I started writing my memoirs. in haiku of course. here’s some excerpts from the early drafts:
should I get a perm?
‘totally!’ she says. Thanks jess,
you were some best friend.
College moving day!
Ah, a dave matthews poster.
I hated that bitch.
Tuesday, 4AM
No I’m not from craigslist son!
Delete my number.
Dearest Keanu,
My love is without bounds. But…
Stop trying accents.
one so’ co and lime.
and a rolling rock please. my,
look how far i’ve come.
Name: Lisa
Occupation(s): picker, grinner, lover, sinner and very unwilling 29 year old
1. Ghostbusters 1 or 2?
It should be noted, that Rachel used to agree with me that 2 was superior, but she has since been worn down by the opposition. 2 has yanush and vigo. and a dancing toaster that loves Motown. And better jokes. and the titanic finally arrives. better late than never.
2. What is your drink of choice?
If I’m watching sports, seeing a concert, hanging out with myself, ted, Chicago, eating barbeque, or am at a pub, i choose beer (abita, yeungling, spaten). At middle of the road establishments, and while seeing comedy shows or dinner theatre, I choose gin & tonics, which it turns out I love. At Acme bar and grill, I choose Lynchburg lemonades. During the summer months (and year round at Rapture) I choose mojitos. At brunch I choose mimosa’s. At restaurants and while blogging or watching gossip girl, I choose wine. At specialty establishments, I choose gin fizz’s or the equally awesome Ramos Fizz. You are all cordially invited to choose gin in 2009.
3. What album/songs are you listening to right now?
Since no one listened to me about seeing the musical ‘passing strange’ you should at least get the soundtrack. I want everyone to know that the beastie boys have remastered the classic album ‘paul’s boutique’ for the 20th anniversary of its release. This album is legen-dary.
4. What is your favorite episode of either Seinfeld or Friends?
The holiday armadillo episode of friends is one of those things that 7 years later, Rachel can still use to make me laugh and forget why I was just yelling.
5. What do you wish you were doing right now?
I wish I was drinking a mojito because then it would either be summer or I would be at Rapture. I also wish I was celebrating my 27th birthday.
6. What are you doing right now [besides answering these questions]?
i’m getting ready to go to work. by the time you read this, i’m probably there and wishing i was home with my snuggie. or i’m home and dreading going back to work. or it’s a week from now because you don’t read this too often. whenever you read this, i’m probably wondering if it’s really better in the bahamas. not that i’m psychic or anything, i just wonder that a lot.
7. What country will you never visit?
Australia. I could never adjust to such a huge time difference.
8. Nickname you wish you had?
Bam.
9. Who is your favorite superhero (actual or imagined)?
Wolverine encompasses all that is right with superhero’s: hotness, physical prowess, and wolf like coolness. Actually, I change my answer to Hugh Jackman. He sings dances acts and is hot. Quadruple threat superhero!
10. What is your favorite Keanu Reeves movie?
I would have to say Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, because that is when I first fell in love with Keanu. And it’s just awesome. They play battleship with death!!!
11. Who is the oldest celebrity you would sleep with?
Shrug. Maybe Adam Horovitz from the beastie boys.
12. Which ‘Saved by the Bell’ character did you most resemble in high school?
Probably Tori. I always felt like a motorcycle jacket wearer in a 80 degrees and sunny world.
13. Name someone who needs to be told something about themself.
There’s this woman in park slope who is always begging for hot dogs on the street. If you don’t give her one, she yells at you and questions your nocturnal habits. She has crazy eyes.
14. Who is your favorite New Yorker?
the beastie boys. And Jackie kennedy. The guy who owns my bodega is pretty cool even though he always wants to put bacon on my egg sandwich.
15. What is your favorite way to curse someone/something awful?
I like calling someone a crapweasel or an assclown. But I’ve found that nothing you can say is as effective as throwing a book.
16. What is the most embarrassing song on your ‘Get Psyched’ playlist?
Probably ‘Dirrrty’ by xtina Aguilera. Its embarrassing because it’s not current, grammatically dumb, and an insult to redman.
17. Which celebrity do you hate most for no reason?
Amanda Peet. She doesn’t do anything wrong. I just hate her.
18. Amy Adams vs. Isla Fischer
Trick question: there is no difference.
19. What would you do with a Snuggie?
with my snuggie, I do all the things I’m too emotionally unavailable to do with people.
20. Any questions?
why is rachel so nice to me? why is my grammar so bad? why do i have to turn 29? why god why?
1 – nobody would ever understand what i was talking about
2 – the world would never know brilliant musical oeuvres such as “bangin’ eyes” and “asian nympho”
3 – i am not equipped to invent sports like kooshlintball on my own
4 – there has to be one person in the world, besides my dad, who will never be on facebook
5 – mr. beefy was created to be loved without measure
6 – the snuggie needs as many fans as it can get – seriously, i’m worried that nobody knows about it
7 – nobody else interesting was born on the same day – i’m looking at you, laura dern. what have you done for me lately?
8 – everyone needs to know how awesome teddy is. she’s a one-woman street team for the gct.
9 – all those episodes of friends don’t just watch themselves
10 – all those beers don’t just drink themselves
11 – she was there when debbie said that beer can take her to a higher plateau and we really need to make sure that memory never dies
12 – keanu’s not dumb, he’s just misunderstood. she understands him.
13 – she tells you really important things via hysterical notes in boring classes. and keeps the notes.
14 – brunch would be sooooooooo boring … and short
15 – she owns some really cool t-shirts, and wears them sometimes. hey, what ever happened to “i survived the conversion”?
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