Things Lisa and I have done, either together or alone, at least 30 times, if not more, and survived:
1 – invent words
2 – invent games
3 – do tequila shots
4 – have impasses
5 – drink entire bottles of wine
6 – alienate our friends/family
7 – talk about hands
8 – run like show ponies or phoebe from friends
9 – watch taylor swift videos
10 – fall down
A guest blog in tribute to my dearest Lisa on a completely random day. There is absolutely no reason I’m doing this list today, promise. Completely random. I just love her so much.
1. She writes the best haikus
2. She loves pie. As someone who loves pie’s distant cousin, cake, I can totally relate.
3. She makes amazing french toast (still bothered by the fact that she doesn’t eat it).
4. She talks about how great my hair is…like all the time.
5. I like the way you combs your hair.
6. I like the stylish clothes you wear.
7. It’s just the little things you do.
8. That make me want to get with you. (sorry, creepy, but that song has been in my head for the last 5 minutes).
9. She sends a good postcard.
10. When you get her riled up she’ll insult your sexuality.
11. And probably insult the orifice you most commonly use as a sexual being.
12. She writes great lists
13. To this day, I have never had a hangover as fun as the one with her.
14. She knows where the best sandwiches are.
15. She likes great beer.
16. She’s Mr. Pibb’s biggest fan.
17. She makes me laugh all the time…and sometimes pee my pants.
18. She loves the Mets and as a fan of a losing baseball team, I can relate.
19. She has an uber comfortable bed.
20. So many things that I want to say, you know I like my girls a little bit older. I don’t want to lose your love tonight.
Wszystkiego najlepszego z okazji urodzin Lisa! Sto Lat!
Kocham Cie,
Tsvel Kuzyn Tadziu (Gay Cousin Ted)
*Disclaimer: This post includes foul language, references to vaginas, anger and what could be considered racist statements. This is what happens when Lisa and Teddy go to Showtunes night at a gay bar followed by the best beer haus on the planet.
Lisa: I’m not sure I like small dogs. My coworker had a small dog that was really cute, but I didn’t want to touch it out of fear that I’d break it or something.
Teddy: That’s because you destroy everything you touch
____
Teddy: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking whore.
Lisa: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking fag hag.
____
Teddy: Have you seen this movie? (in reference to The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)
Lisa: Ahh, no. I’m straight.
Teddy: Umm, hello? Dolly Parton?
Lisa: Hello? Straight?
Teddy: Hello? Whorehouse? Whore?
____
Teddy: Lisa, were you aware that you don’t need pimps to get your daily business done?
Lisa: No, I wasn’t. And now I’m fucking pissed off because that’s 7 years of my life I’ll never get back.
____
Teddy: Omg Lisa, look…it’s you in 50 years! (across the bar was a very old fag hag)
Lisa: Are you fucking kidding me? Are you even fucking kidding me?
____
Lisa: This is the point in the evening where Sean would just shit himself and die
____
Lisa: I feel bad that you’re here with me
Teddy: Umm, why?
Lisa: Because you’d rather be having gay sex with men?
Teddy: I can take a night off
Lisa: Can you?
____
Lisa: OMG, is this fucking Oklahoma!?
____
Teddy: Do you see that boy over there with the shirt that says “Check Out My Stimulus Package”?
Lisa: Yes, and I want to fucking disembowel him. However, I’ve reconsidered as he’s gay and clearly not a threat to me.
____
Lisa: OMG, more fucking Oklahoma!? Are you kidding me?
____
Lisa: If I wasn’t in the gayest place in America, I’d have meaningless sex with anyone whom talked to me right now.
____
Lisa: You just out-gayed yourself, which I didn’t think was possible.
Teddy: Shut the fuck up
____
Teddy: Lisa, feel better, I just counted 5 women in this room
Lisa: Shut up
Teddy: I just didn’t want you to feel alone
Lisa: Shut the fuck up before I fucking break a god-damn bottle over your fucking head.
____
Teddy: You know the gays totally love this song.
Lisa: Really? I would never have believed that the gays would love something with Olivia Newton John wearing a bedazzled bikini from the 70s. (Xanadu)
____
Lisa: I’m kind of glad I’m here as there is absolutely no chance of getting pregnant tonight.
____
Lisa: I’m nervous. The next time I do something gay it’ll pale in comparrison to this.
Teddy: I know right? The first time you have lesbian sex you’re going to stop her in the middle and say “what the fuck is this shit?”
____
Lisa: This has been the best two days of my life!
Teddy: I don’t doubt it. If I didn’t lead a much more exciting life than you, I’d probably agree.
____
Lisa: Oh look, there are gays over there signing!
Teddy: Remember when I tried to teach you how to sign at the Michigan game? You’d be a really bad deaf person because your fingers are too fucking deformed to communicate.
Lisa: You need to worry about my fingers less and your asshole more.
____
Teddy: I bet that old fag hag was a young fag hag when this video came out (Bugle Boy of Company B)
____
Teddy: Do you think Rachel would enjoy herself at Showtune night?
Lisa: Are you kidding? Rachel would give up all the promiscuous sex in the world for this shit.
____
Lisa: Thank you for taking to me to a place where I’ve realized my life is a fucking sham
Teddy: What the fuck are you talking about?
Lisa: I fucking hate you. I hope someone slightly too big shoves it in slightly too hard.
____
Lisa: I’m going to punch you in the asshole
____
Lisa: I actually hate this song. It’s overplayed, like my vagine.
____
Teddy: OMG the boy from Glee is so fucking hot.
Lisa: Lori wants to do so many illegal-in-Michigan things to him.
____
Teddy: Suck it bitch
Lisa: No, not my target market
Teddy: You’re right, we’re not at a prison.
____
Teddy: Did you notice that there are like 117 Makers Mark bottles hanging in that thing up there?
Lisa: Yeah, Rachel would be so happy right now.
Teddy: Because she’s an alcoholic?
Lisa: Yeah, and a whore.
____
(Video with Barbara Streisand and Judy Garland comes on)
Teddy: Oh look! A fucking Jew! It’s you!
Lisa: Oh look! A fucking alcoholic whore! It’s you!
____
Lisa: Just for that I’m going to drink 17 Kettle One Krushes (purple slushies) just to yack them all up on you. No one will ever love you.
____
Lisa: When we drink together, you get racist and I get violent.
Teddy: Tell me about it
Lisa: I just did.
____
Lisa: I fucking hate Moulin Rouge
Teddy: Are you fucking kidding me?
Lisa: I should quiet down or I’ll get shot.
____
Teddy: Oh this song from Moulin Rouge is so great! Sean and Nicole had it for their wedding dance.
Lisa: Sean plays hockey and he had this as his wedding song? I guess we know who wears the balls in that family.
____
(in reference to Lisa’s parents not appreciating the revival of Hair as much as when they were younger)
Teddy: Well I guess that makes sense. If I saw Rent 40 years from now, I’m not sure it would be as emotional or powerful.
Lisa: Oh give me a fucking break. You’d still cry and pee yourself silly.
____
Teddy: OMG Linda Eder! God I love her!
Lisa: Yeah, she’s got a nice voice, but she’s dead right?
Teddy: What?
Lisa: She died.
Teddy: She did not.
Lisa: Yeah, she did, I’m positive of it.
Teddy has a heart attack and nearly starts crying. While shaking he quickly checks his web enabled mobile device to find out if this is true. Luckily, Lisa is a fucking liar and Linda Eder is still alive.
Teddy: No, she’s alive. I can’t believe you just put me through that. Are you fucking kidding me? You found it appropriate to tell a gay that his favorite broadway diva died, while at gay showtune night? What the fuck is wrong with you.
____
(evita is on)
Teddy: Oh look, this is when I used to like Madonna
Lisa: Did that just happen?
Teddy: I’m sorry, but I used to like her. She turned into a slutty, greasy, nasty, trashy, fucking whore. I can’t stand what she’s become.
Lisa: Teddy, it’s time you just accept the way things are.
Teddy: No, I can’t accept what she’s become.
Lisa: I’m talking about me.
____
(as we’re about to leave to go to the Hop Leaf)
Lisa: I can’t wait to drink some fucking beers like the lesbian I am.
____
Lisa: Can we stop first so I can get some cigarettes?
Teddy: Oh sure, you haven’t inconvenienced me once tonight so I suppose it was bound to happen.
Lisa: Did you hear something? I couldn’t quite make it out but it sounded like a large vagina talking.
____
Teddy: What do you think Jian is doing right now?
Lisa: Probably having committal sex. I feel bad for her.
Teddy: I don’t. Her boyfriend is hot. I’d probably have sex with him if he was a gay man.
Lisa: You’d have sex with him regardless.
Teddy: You’re right. I like asians and he’s hot. He’s a hot asian. Don’t tell Jian.
Lisa: Then don’t write this down.
Teddy: Ok.
____
As heard on the street by some random gay: I knew this Queen in Detroit who looked just like Lilly Tomlin.
____
Lisa: I want to get 17 of these beers. 7 to drink and 10 to put in my vagina.
____
Lisa: It’s like Jesus and barley collided in my mouth.
____
Teddy: If I see a man in a cowboy hat my legs immediately go over my head.
Lisa: We have that in common.
____
Teddy: Oh my god that fucking cowboy is so hot!
Lisa: I know. I want him to fill all of my orifices.
(Teddy then spits out his beer)
____
Teddy: When we get home and you’re safely asleep on the couch, I’m going to masturbate like it’s my god damn job.
____
Lisa: If he were gay, I would undergo a sex change operation just to get it on with him.
____
Lisa: I feel bad because that girl in the polka dot dress has no friends.
Teddy: I know. She also doesn’t have a chest.
Lisa: My dirty pillows make her feel inadequate.
____
Lisa: Polish people are the greatest god damn people to have ever walked this shit hole of an earth.
____
Lisa: While you were fingering your asshole, I was fucking crying. (note: I have no idea in what context this was said)
____
Lisa: Can you just shove something cantankerous up your fucking ass?
1 – that keanu should take some acting classes.
2 – i think i want cake at my wedding instead of pie.
3 – what’s a text message?
4 – wait, i have to make a phone call.
5 – can we start planning my birthday party now? i can’t wait!!!!
6 – this would taste better if it wasn’t a sandwich.
7 – don’t remind me, i’ll remember on my own.
8 – feelings are my favorite.
9 – isn’t that an improper use of the word “effect”?
10 – i’ve been apartment hunting in brooklyn.
Anyone else notice the absence of fabulous blog entries? Lisa and Rachel are probably super busy doing other fun things. Here are some possibilities:
1. Reading Gay Cousin Teddy’s blog
2. Eating pie
3. Drinking
4. Haiku writing
5. Wearing cute dresses
6. Talking about real estate taxes
7. Making sandwiches
8. Eating sandwiches
9. Calling their senators re: gay marriage
10. Having a grammar war
11. Twittering
12. Dreaming about Keanu
13. Marketing
14. Playing with puggles (Lisa only)
15. Being adorable
submitted, respectfully by guest blogger Gay Cousin Ted(dy)
In the past couple of weeks, activity levels have been at an all-time high, but documentation has been at an all-time low. The correlation makes sense; being out means that we’re not sitting in front of the computer filling in the glamorous events of our lives with extraneously detailed verbiage. Lucky for me it’s Friday and things are winding down at the office…
FUCT and Lady Circus Show 6/4/09
Rachel, my BF and I ventured into Williamsburg (land of the hipsters) to see a show from one of our favorite comedy troupes in a converted warehouse/brothel. Ironically, in Rachel’s last review, she mentioned “gay cirque du soleil” – this show took that concept to a new level. The memories are fuzzy because I was under the influence of Colt 45 and sugar cubes. Here are some highlights:
- While searching for food we almost went to ‘pumps’ a female strip club
- While searching for food, we almost asked the tortilla factory for some samples
- We found a dive bar that’s even too scary for celebrities
- I found a sugar cube in my bag later that night…
- Female nudity is nowhere near as funny as male nudity
- A full person-sized vajine gave birth on-stage to full-sized people. Disturbing.
- Best line during the acrobatics: that was like the holocaust on fabric
- Best opening act: Xylopholks
- Colt 45 doesn’t taste that bad when it’s free
Superhero Celebrity Rehab: The Musical 6/6/09
The weekend before, I got stuck in traffic heading into the city attempting to make my friend’s remake of Romeo and Juliet (blech, I know). The show was surprisingly entertaining, but the point is that I broke 15 traffic laws to get to an 8pm show at 8:15pm. The show actually started at 8:30pm. A similar thing happened on the way to this show, except I got there at 8:14pm and they started at 8:15pm. Although I broke even more laws and ran up 4 flights of stairs, I’d like to thank everyone in theater for this apparent grace period. Lisa, thanks for having faith that I’d make it in time even though I was on Allen and Grand at 7:55pm.
- This show made me realize how hard superheroes have it. No…not really.
- We are seriously missing out on the genre of Comic Book Musicals. Let’s get on top of this people!
- ‘Cocaine plus superpowers’ sounds like an amazing combination
- Nightmare the Night Stallion/Mare should write a book called “The Secret”
- Nothing makes me happier than turtle-like elbow pads
- I need to buy some Fuji water and pop tarts
- The most unbelievable part of the show is when no one wanted to watch “Transformers” – what kind of crazy alternate universe is this?
- Every time the villain “Black Hole” came out I thought of the song Black Hole Sun. That made me pretty happy.
- The Scarlett Letter reminds me of _______ (fill in with that girl you know).
- If this was a reality show, I’d totally watch it.
Mike Birbiglia: Comedy for a Cause 6/11/09
Rachel, Lori, and I bravely traveled an hour into Jersey by bus, boat, car, and train last night to experience a night of laughs, charity, crying, and martinis. The REED Academy is a not-for-profit school for children with Autism. Mike Birbiglia is our “soulmate of comedy” if you will, and we would follow him anywhere (even to Englewood, NJ). Jon Fisch opened up the comedy show by telling us something about ourselves.Best quote: anyone who writes “likes to laugh” on their dating profile is apparently a raging alcoholic. Rachel laughed. Lori and I looked at Rachel.
- Even if Lori’s coworker didn’t make us take a ferry and then drive us to the theater, she’d still be pretty awesome
- Martinis and kobe sliders before a comedy show are always a good idea
- Nothing makes you feel poorer than being at a live auction where Jimmy Fallon seats sell for $500
- There are lots of Republicans who don’t appreciate Fox News jokes at auctions
- Skinny jeans have taken over; even birbigs is wearing them
- Rachel and I didn’t make a single, inappropriate autism joke last night. It cost us.
- Oprah only knows how to do one thing – make people cry
- Hearing a joke for the 15th time and still laughing is a true testament to someone’s comedic skillz
- Responding to all txt messages with said jokes is also pretty impressive
- Long bus rides are a great place to bond and catch up…except for the other patrons, who wanted to kill us for sure.
sometimes people find it hard to tell lisa and rachel apart. here is a handy guide for such people:
1 – rachel is a stickler for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and word choice. lisa is not.
2 – rachel enjoys being girly, i.e. makeup, heels, dresses. lisa does not.
3 – rachel likes her balls salty, lisa prefers them sweet.
4 – lisa loves beer like some people love their children. beer is poison to rachel.
5 – lisa loves and cares about animals. rachel would prefer the world was rid of them.
6 – rachel enjoys the marketing and media industries. lisa would prefer the world was rid of them.
7 – rachel sings at karaoke. lisa watches karaoke.
8 – lisa kicks rachel’s ass at checkers. rachel kicks lisa’s ass at connect four.
9 – lisa prefers to text. rachel prefers to call.
10 – rachel likes stand-up comedy. lisa likes to sit down and not laugh.
11 – rachel is on many social networking websites. lisa will never be on any ever again.
12 – lisa’s damaged body parts include her stomach and her back. rachel’s eyes and teeth are f’ed up. both of their livers are beyond repair.
13 – rachel’s memory is scarily precise. lisa often inserts the wrong people into memories.
14 – rachel appreciates a good pun/buzzword. lisa almost kills rachel every time she uses one.
15 – rachel is quite bitchy, yet advocates being part of society. lisa has more manners, yet would prefer not to be part of society.
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