The Slow Gin Fizz

…and you’re welcome

Progressively Drunken Dialogue September 7, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 12:40 pm
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*Disclaimer: This post includes foul language, references to vaginas, anger and what could be considered racist statements. This is what happens when Lisa and Teddy go to Showtunes night at a gay bar followed by the best beer haus on the planet.

Lisa: I’m not sure I like small dogs. My coworker had a small dog that was really cute, but I didn’t want to touch it out of fear that I’d break it or something.
Teddy: That’s because you destroy everything you touch
____

Teddy: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking whore.
Lisa: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking fag hag.
____

Teddy: Have you seen this movie? (in reference to The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)
Lisa: Ahh, no. I’m straight.
Teddy: Umm, hello? Dolly Parton?
Lisa: Hello? Straight?
Teddy: Hello? Whorehouse? Whore?
____

Teddy: Lisa, were you aware that you don’t need pimps to get your daily business done?
Lisa: No, I wasn’t. And now I’m fucking pissed off because that’s 7 years of my life I’ll never get back.
____

Teddy: Omg Lisa, look…it’s you in 50 years! (across the bar was a very old fag hag)
Lisa: Are you fucking kidding me? Are you even fucking kidding me?
____

Lisa: This is the point in the evening where Sean would just shit himself and die
____

Lisa: I feel bad that you’re here with me
Teddy: Umm, why?
Lisa: Because you’d rather be having gay sex with men?
Teddy: I can take a night off
Lisa: Can you?
____

Lisa: OMG, is this fucking Oklahoma!?
____

Teddy: Do you see that boy over there with the shirt that says “Check Out My Stimulus Package”?
Lisa: Yes, and I want to fucking disembowel him. However, I’ve reconsidered as he’s gay and clearly not a threat to me.
____

Lisa: OMG, more fucking Oklahoma!? Are you kidding me?
____

Lisa: If I wasn’t in the gayest place in America, I’d have meaningless sex with anyone whom talked to me right now.
____

Lisa: You just out-gayed yourself, which I didn’t think was possible.
Teddy: Shut the fuck up
____

Teddy: Lisa, feel better, I just counted 5 women in this room
Lisa: Shut up
Teddy: I just didn’t want you to feel alone
Lisa: Shut the fuck up before I fucking break a god-damn bottle over your fucking head.
____

Teddy: You know the gays totally love this song.
Lisa: Really? I would never have believed that the gays would love something with Olivia Newton John wearing a bedazzled bikini from the 70s. (Xanadu)
____

Lisa: I’m kind of glad I’m here as there is absolutely no chance of getting pregnant tonight.
____

Lisa: I’m nervous. The next time I do something gay it’ll pale in comparrison to this.
Teddy: I know right? The first time you have lesbian sex you’re going to stop her in the middle and say “what the fuck is this shit?”
____

Lisa: This has been the best two days of my life!
Teddy: I don’t doubt it. If I didn’t lead a much more exciting life than you, I’d probably agree.
____

Lisa: Oh look, there are gays over there signing!
Teddy: Remember when I tried to teach you how to sign at the Michigan game? You’d be a really bad deaf person because your fingers are too fucking deformed to communicate.
Lisa: You need to worry about my fingers less and your asshole more.
____

Teddy: I bet that old fag hag was a young fag hag when this video came out (Bugle Boy of Company B)
____

Teddy: Do you think Rachel would enjoy herself at Showtune night?
Lisa: Are you kidding? Rachel would give up all the promiscuous sex in the world for this shit.
____

Lisa: Thank you for taking to me to a place where I’ve realized my life is a fucking sham
Teddy: What the fuck are you talking about?
Lisa: I fucking hate you. I hope someone slightly too big shoves it in slightly too hard.
____

Lisa: I’m going to punch you in the asshole
____

Lisa: I actually hate this song. It’s overplayed, like my vagine.
____

Teddy: OMG the boy from Glee is so fucking hot.
Lisa: Lori wants to do so many illegal-in-Michigan things to him.
____

Teddy: Suck it bitch
Lisa: No, not my target market
Teddy: You’re right, we’re not at a prison.
____

Teddy: Did you notice that there are like 117 Makers Mark bottles hanging in that thing up there?
Lisa: Yeah, Rachel would be so happy right now.
Teddy: Because she’s an alcoholic?
Lisa: Yeah, and a whore.
____

(Video with Barbara Streisand and Judy Garland comes on)
Teddy: Oh look! A fucking Jew! It’s you!
Lisa: Oh look! A fucking alcoholic whore! It’s you!
____

Lisa: Just for that I’m going to drink 17 Kettle One Krushes (purple slushies) just to yack them all up on you. No one will ever love you.
____

Lisa: When we drink together, you get racist and I get violent.
Teddy: Tell me about it
Lisa: I just did.
____

Lisa: I fucking hate Moulin Rouge
Teddy: Are you fucking kidding me?
Lisa: I should quiet down or I’ll get shot.
____

Teddy: Oh this song from Moulin Rouge is so great! Sean and Nicole had it for their wedding dance.
Lisa: Sean plays hockey and he had this as his wedding song? I guess we know who wears the balls in that family.
____

(in reference to Lisa’s parents not appreciating the revival of Hair as much as when they were younger)
Teddy: Well I guess that makes sense. If I saw Rent 40 years from now, I’m not sure it would be as emotional or powerful.
Lisa: Oh give me a fucking break. You’d still cry and pee yourself silly.
____

Teddy: OMG Linda Eder! God I love her!
Lisa: Yeah, she’s got a nice voice, but she’s dead right?
Teddy: What?
Lisa: She died.
Teddy: She did not.
Lisa: Yeah, she did, I’m positive of it.
Teddy has a heart attack and nearly starts crying. While shaking he quickly checks his web enabled mobile device to find out if this is true. Luckily, Lisa is a fucking liar and Linda Eder is still alive.
Teddy: No, she’s alive. I can’t believe you just put me through that. Are you fucking kidding me? You found it appropriate to tell a gay that his favorite broadway diva died, while at gay showtune night? What the fuck is wrong with you.
____

(evita is on)
Teddy: Oh look, this is when I used to like Madonna
Lisa: Did that just happen?
Teddy: I’m sorry, but I used to like her. She turned into a slutty, greasy, nasty, trashy, fucking whore. I can’t stand what she’s become.
Lisa: Teddy, it’s time you just accept the way things are.
Teddy: No, I can’t accept what she’s become.
Lisa: I’m talking about me.
____

(as we’re about to leave to go to the Hop Leaf)
Lisa: I can’t wait to drink some fucking beers like the lesbian I am.
____

Lisa: Can we stop first so I can get some cigarettes?
Teddy: Oh sure, you haven’t inconvenienced me once tonight so I suppose it was bound to happen.
Lisa: Did you hear something? I couldn’t quite make it out but it sounded like a large vagina talking.
____

Teddy: What do you think Jian is doing right now?
Lisa: Probably having committal sex. I feel bad for her.
Teddy: I don’t. Her boyfriend is hot. I’d probably have sex with him if he was a gay man.
Lisa: You’d have sex with him regardless.
Teddy: You’re right. I like asians and he’s hot. He’s a hot asian. Don’t tell Jian.
Lisa: Then don’t write this down.
Teddy: Ok.
____

As heard on the street by some random gay: I knew this Queen in Detroit who looked just like Lilly Tomlin.
____

Lisa: I want to get 17 of these beers. 7 to drink and 10 to put in my vagina.
____

Lisa: It’s like Jesus and barley collided in my mouth.
____

Teddy: If I see a man in a cowboy hat my legs immediately go over my head.
Lisa: We have that in common.
____

Teddy: Oh my god that fucking cowboy is so hot!
Lisa: I know. I want him to fill all of my orifices.
(Teddy then spits out his beer)
____

Teddy: When we get home and you’re safely asleep on the couch, I’m going to masturbate like it’s my god damn job.
____

Lisa: If he were gay, I would undergo a sex change operation just to get it on with him.
____

Lisa: I feel bad because that girl in the polka dot dress has no friends.
Teddy: I know. She also doesn’t have a chest.
Lisa: My dirty pillows make her feel inadequate.
____

Lisa: Polish people are the greatest god damn people to have ever walked this shit hole of an earth.
____

Lisa: While you were fingering your asshole, I was fucking crying. (note: I have no idea in what context this was said)
____

Lisa: Can you just shove something cantankerous up your fucking ass?

 

liveblogging: so you think you can dance (most recent comments at the top) July 23, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 9:26 pm
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- aaaand we’re done. that was fun.

- oh snap, the girl the judge said was her fave just got sent home. buuuurn.

- jian: time flies when you’re not singing or dancing

- katie holmes? ok, so the show is apparently now called ‘so you think you can shake your junk and lip sync’

- watching television is weird

- wade robson should just choreograph everything and stop not choreographing everything

- jian says that brandon won. can we stop watching now?

- the music on this show really is atrocious. please let me help pick songs. PLEASE.

- lisa: so the people who voted for mcain are getting their revenge by voting for the dude with the weird head [evan]?

- lori/jian: oh, he won with cancer. ::whispers:: bastards

- why does this dude always have a comb in his hair? doesn’t that make him less aerodynamic whilst dancing?

- so they do american idol songs. i feel bamboozled.

- wow, they eliminate at the beginning of the show. awesome!

- Kayla looks like she should be in movies about the Titanic

- i hope jian doesn’t actually play the sountrack from this show at her party

- omg a chorus line! i love this musical. i was really mad when i took my roomate to see it and all she said was ‘mario lopez was barely in it’.  oh yeah, the dance. chorus line got all goth.

 

baseball review: mets vs phillies 7.4.09 @ citizen’s bank park July 5, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 12:07 pm
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  1. one of the best things i could have ever done with my 4th of july. special thanks to lori for putting this all together.
  2. on a normal day it only takes 2 hrs and $24 round trip to get to philly by bus. bonus!
  3. good call having me and rach not sit together on the ride there. if our friendship was a potato chip flavor, we would be called ‘love and vinegar’.
  4. i really hate philly. sorry, but i just do. i gave a guy a bandaid at the game and he STILL wasn’t nice.
  5. the beer is too hoppy. but it was funny listening to the people sitting in front of us have a passionate discussion about cheese steaks.
  6. ps- considering that citizens bank park has stands called ‘brewerytown’, there are surprisingly few beers available
  7. WARNING: crab fries contain no crab whatsoever! they are good, sure, but there is NO crab! and the line is out of this world!
  8. phillies fans are mean. my nicest fan interaction started with a dude yelling ‘muck the fets’ before he welcomed me to philly and patted me on the shoulder. yeah.
  9. that was also the most clever insult. all anyone else said was ‘boo mets’ and ‘mets suck’. all. day. long.
  10. it was kinda funny waiting at the bar by the bus stop after the game with all the dejected ny’ers walking in
  11. oddly, i saw some great mets garb in philly, particularly the guys t-shirt with the jose reyes chant on the back
  12. i really miss carlos delgado
  13. i really love taking the subway in other cities. trains really are my favorite.
  14. i have spent sooooo much time with my friends this weekend and i love them even more
  15. best july 4th moment(s) of all time: watching the beautiful sunset from the bus giving way to a series of fireworks displays on the nj turnpike. seriously, god bless america.
 

theatre review: twelfth night, shakespeare in the park July 3, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 7:03 pm
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or rather, ticket line review

  1. i never got on line for anything at 6:30am before. wow.
  2. i guess this is one way to experience parks
  3. and learn everything about your friends you ever wanted to know because you are on line for SEVEN hours straight
  4. i would like to thank the makers of the fabric folding chair, this day could not have been possible without you
  5. a special shout out to brooklyn bagels for providing the necessary coffee and carbs to make this day possible
  6. i’m pretty sure it took me and rach about 12 minutes in the car to start fighting. thankfully we get tired quick.
  7. to the dudes who work for the park who tried to apprise us of our chances of getting tix: given cutesy names to people’s line positions like ‘the rock of hope’ and ‘the grasses of uncertainty’ was not helpful in the least, but i liked it
  8. i’m not sure whose idea it was to put a shake shack nearby, but man, i would give my left tit in thanks. it was the only thing that could ease the sting of being in line for 7 hours to achieve nothing
  9. i don’t know what brand of crack they use in their cheese fries, but i fully support it
  10. who am i kidding anyways, like i really understand shakespeare
 

Wedding reception or 1st Birthday Party? June 29, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 4:31 pm
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I have a sneaking suspicion that I went to a wedding reception yesterday under the pretext of a child’s 1st birthday party.  Here’s what I remember, so you tell me what you think:

  1. It took place at Ariana Waterfall.  Yes, there were waterfalls.
  2. We were told that the appropriate dress for this party was semi-formal.
  3. Jian and Rachel posed for wedding photos under what looked like this.
  4. There was assigned seating.  I was at table 13.  closest to the…
  5. DJ.  There was a DJ.
  6. Said DJ played songs like, Celebration, Electric Slide, Cha-cha Slide, and other various songs featured in movies like The Wedding Date & My Best Friend’s Wedding
  7. And when I did what I do best with DJs, he told me that he was told this was going to be a wedding.
  8. After we all got settled in the dinner room from the cocktail hour, the DJ announced that there was going to be a first dance and that it was “man’s choice.”  So the father of the baby chose the mother of the baby for this dance.  Then everyone started clinking their knives on their champagne flutes (oh, cause everyone was served champagne) to get the “parents” to kiss.  And they did.
  9. The father made a toast.
  10. I told the “parents” that I was happy to be sharing their joyous occasion with them.

To be fair, we did sing happy birthday and Rachel held a baby without the world stopping so it’s possible I’m overanalyzing this.

-Duped Guest Blogger Lori

 

Fuzzy Memories: stuff that happened recently June 12, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 6:47 pm
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In the past couple of weeks, activity levels have been at an all-time high, but documentation has been at an all-time low. The correlation makes sense; being out means that we’re not sitting in front of the computer filling in the glamorous events of our lives with extraneously detailed verbiage. Lucky for me it’s Friday and things are winding down at the office…

FUCT and Lady Circus Show 6/4/09

Rachel, my BF and I ventured into Williamsburg (land of the hipsters) to see a show from one of our favorite comedy troupes in a converted warehouse/brothel. Ironically, in Rachel’s last review, she mentioned “gay cirque du soleil” – this show took that concept to a new level. The memories are fuzzy because I was under the influence of Colt 45 and sugar cubes. Here are some highlights:

-         While searching for food we almost went to ‘pumps’ a female strip club

-         While searching for food, we almost asked the tortilla factory for some samples

-         We found a dive bar that’s even too scary for celebrities

-         I found a sugar cube in my bag later that night…

-         Female nudity is nowhere near as funny as male nudity

-         A full person-sized vajine gave birth on-stage to full-sized people. Disturbing.

-         Best line during the acrobatics: that was like the holocaust on fabric

-         Best opening act: Xylopholks

-         Colt 45 doesn’t taste that bad when it’s free

Superhero Celebrity Rehab: The Musical 6/6/09

The weekend before, I got stuck in traffic heading into the city attempting to make my friend’s remake of Romeo and Juliet (blech, I know). The show was surprisingly entertaining, but the point is that I broke 15 traffic laws to get to an 8pm show at 8:15pm. The show actually started at 8:30pm. A similar thing happened on the way to this show, except I got there at 8:14pm and they started at 8:15pm. Although I broke even more laws and ran up 4 flights of stairs, I’d like to thank everyone in theater for this apparent grace period. Lisa, thanks for having faith that I’d make it in time even though I was on Allen and Grand at 7:55pm.

-         This show made me realize how hard superheroes have it. No…not really.

-         We are seriously missing out on the genre of Comic Book Musicals. Let’s get on top of this people!

-         ‘Cocaine plus superpowers’ sounds like an amazing combination

-         Nightmare the Night Stallion/Mare should write a book called “The Secret”

-         Nothing makes me happier than turtle-like elbow pads

-         I need to buy some Fuji water and pop tarts

-         The most unbelievable part of the show is when no one wanted to watch “Transformers” – what kind of crazy alternate universe is this?

-         Every time the villain “Black Hole” came out I thought of the song Black Hole Sun. That made me pretty happy.

-         The Scarlett Letter reminds me of _______ (fill in with that girl you know).

-         If this was a reality show, I’d totally watch it.

Mike Birbiglia: Comedy for a Cause 6/11/09

Rachel, Lori, and I bravely traveled an hour into Jersey by bus, boat, car, and train last night to experience a night of laughs, charity, crying, and martinis. The REED Academy is a not-for-profit school for children with Autism. Mike Birbiglia is our “soulmate of comedy” if you will, and we would follow him anywhere (even to Englewood, NJ). Jon Fisch opened up the comedy show by telling us something about ourselves.Best quote: anyone who writes “likes to laugh” on their dating profile is apparently a raging alcoholic. Rachel laughed. Lori and I looked at Rachel.

-         Even if Lori’s coworker didn’t make us take a ferry and then drive us to the theater, she’d still be pretty awesome

-         Martinis and kobe sliders before a comedy show are always a good idea

-         Nothing makes you feel poorer than being at a live auction where Jimmy Fallon seats sell for $500

-         There are lots of Republicans who don’t appreciate Fox News jokes at auctions

-         Skinny jeans have taken over; even birbigs is wearing them

-         Rachel and I didn’t make a single, inappropriate autism joke last night. It cost us.

-         Oprah only knows how to do one thing – make people cry

-         Hearing a joke for the 15th time and still laughing is a true testament to someone’s comedic skillz

-         Responding to all txt messages with said jokes is also pretty impressive

-         Long bus rides are a great place to bond and catch up…except for the other patrons, who wanted to kill us for sure.

 

Prime Real Estate June 2, 2009

Filed under: Rachel's Lists,hopes and dreams and stuff — theslowginfizz @ 10:09 am
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Reasons I wish I could give Lori my uterus:

1 – It’s really a pet-friendly organ.

2 – I’m sure I’m doing it no good with all the whiskey I drink.

3 – It would make at least one Jewish mother happy.

4 – We could make really clever t-shirts for the occasion.

5 – We might develop a weird twin-type ESP about each other.

6 – I would have a really special relationship with her kids, and probably a cool nickname.

7 – I don’t need any other scapegoats for being cranky.

8 – There would be a lifelong supply of innuendoes about it.

9 – Joe would always be willing to help me with techy stuff.

10 – Maybe the weight of my uterus is what’s holding me back from being graceful enough for sports or a non-klutzy life?

 

TV & Music Review: Glee – Guest Blog by Lori May 21, 2009

Filed under: Guest Blog — theslowginfizz @ 12:48 pm
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“Lori had a religious experience watching glee last night.” Thanks, Jian. This was the best show that I’ve seen on TV, quite possibly ever (take that, Six Feet Under!). I was going to say that this is the most biased review on this site, but then I re-read some of Lisa’s and it turns out this will fall in line with the rest of them.

  1. First of all, I pledge my undying love to Matthew Morrison.  From the original Link Larkin in Broadway’s Hairspray to Fabrizio in The Light in the Piazza to Lt. Cable in South Pacific, this mofo can sing and I’m left wondering why he didn’t sing to me… err… perform in the pilot.  
  2. Jane Lynch as Cheerio coach is brilliant. “You think that’s hard, try having herpes!”
  3. Amazing writing, some of my personal faves… “those kielbasas look like they’ve been there for a long time,” “terry rides me… hard…” “possession is eight-tenths of the law,” and “i’m on my feet 4 hours a day 3 days a week.”
  4. One of the charachters is President of the Celebacy Club.  Let us pray.
  5. The details – the acapella interludes between scenes was perfect.  did i hear them sing the theme from Austin Powers? yeah I did!!
  6. Ned Ryerson as the Chronic Lady Marijuana dealer.  BING!
  7. Rachel Berry [insert gold star here] reminds me so much of idina menzel… so weird.
  8. And the dude reminds me of Chris Klein.  
  9. Don’t you think shooting paint balls at someone in close range is a bad idea? didn’t it make rich bleed once? wtf?
  10. Why do we have to wait for the fall for the next episode?!??

 And then there was the music…

  1. Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ by Journey – when that guy is spray painging the lawn singing this song I was in heaven.  Now it’s your turn girl to cry!
  2. Where is Love from Oliver – every kid who’s ever been in a chorus has sung this song – that’s why it’s such a brilliant choice to sing here.  
  3. Rehab by Amy Winehouse – there’s even a little something for Rachel in this show.
  4. Respect by Aretha Franklin – my favorite line from this character, Mercedes, comes later when they ask her if she can do the costumes.  ”Damn, do you see what I got on?”
  5. On My Own from Les Miserables – i love [this show] but only on my own.
  6. I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry – rachel: jian, are you happy there’s an asian? jian: ummm…???
  7. You’re The One That I Want from Grease – Move over, Olivia & John, I’ll take real high schoolers singing this song over the originals any day of the week!
  8. I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon – also highlighted in the musical Rock of Ages, rachel still can’t name that tune until the chorus
  9. Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey – I mean, there is nothing to say about this song other than it’s f*in brilliant.  Ask the Sopranos guys, they understand.
  10. Honorable mentions to: Shining Star by EW&F, Mr. Cellophane from Chicago, That’s the Way I Like it by KC & The Sunshine Band, Sit Down You’re Rocking The Boat from Guys & Dolls, and all the other songs I missed because there were so many!
 

3.5 Amish Days April 9, 2009

Filed under: Rachel's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 6:29 pm
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on monday morning, my cell phone broke. on thursday afternoon, i finally got around to replacing it. a few observations:

1 – good lord, why did you all let me leave my voicemail greeting like that for so long? i sound like i’m 12.
2 – with email, AIM, gchat, facebook, and twitter, i am constantly in touch with everyone i need to be and really didn’t miss having a phone at all.
3 – i use my blackberry for more things than my cell phone, but i still really don’t want to combine the two.
4 – i got 3 voicemails: one from my dad telling me about easter, one from eric making fun of me (thanks lori), and one from someone who i’ve been playing phone tag with for 6 months who never answers his phone when i call back. i think that means i win at not talking to people.
5 – i got 3 texts: 2 from my coworker running late on monday morning (she then emailed me), and 1 from digs probably making fun of my facebook status about not having a working phone. again, i win.
6 – i still remember the five phone numbers i needed to know before i got a cell phone. but not my mother’s cell phone number, because she got hers after me, of course. ask me if you’re on that list and maybe i’ll tell you.
7 – i hate every non-smartphone on the market right now. i think companies aren’t even trying to make them good anymore.
8 – verizon’s backup assistant is the best thing ever.
9 – verizon’s store on 42nd and 6th is the worst thing ever.
10 – i hate losing all my hysterical saved text messages every time i get a new phone.
11 – it’s fun to call people from 310 numbers when they don’t expect it.

 

things that lori wins at March 30, 2009

Filed under: Lisa's Lists — theslowginfizz @ 1:26 pm
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1.           cute dog

2.      loving the song ‘cruisin’ and being a human jukebox overall

3.      being the only human whose birth I would celebrate by singing into a microphone in public

4.      knowing the movie ‘shag’ and pretty much every movie ever made

5.      putting the ‘Human’ back in ‘Human Resources’

6.      telling really good, but completely untrue, stories about snakes

7.      potato pancakes and kosher wine

8.      being really nice to me no matter how ridiculous I am being [which is pretty ridiculous]

9.      speaking in really slow and soothing tones

10.  premium cable and all technology