- didn’t we we just share yesterday?
- is this byob?
- dude, it’s just grammar, chill the fuck out
- can we watch ‘love actually’ while we do this?
- just proofread emails before you send them. it takes literally a second
- dude, ‘literally’ is as unnecessary of a word as utilize
- lisa, feelings cannot be stupid or wrong. but you do really stupid things based on how you feel. a lot.
- rachel, i think that’s stupid
- you’re such an asshole
- why can’t you just say ‘i’m busy’ or ‘i don’t feel like it’ or ‘maybe, i’ll let you know by 4′ when i try to make plans?
- do you have anything heavier than a nerf baseball bat to emote with?
- can we get our friends on conference call? we’ll pay extra.
- why are you yelling? i’m sitting two feet away. ‘literally’.
- i’m gonna need honey for this level of impasse
- therapist, can we get one of those police lineup mirror windows in here? we get along better when we think no one’s watching.
- where are we going to eat after this? they have a bar, right?
- teddy’s gonna be maaaaad when i tell him you called me retarded
- if we had a friendship assessment committee, this would not be necessary
- lisa, you put the ‘ass’ in ‘assessment’
- hehe, you said ass and men
things that would get said in couples counseling with rachel and lisa December 7, 2009
Tell me again, with less detail September 3, 2009
I keep seeing ads everywhere in nyc for this movie ‘love happens’. I dunno what it’s aboot, but here is what the premise would be if it were based on actual loves.
- love happens at the bottom of a plate of poutine
- love happens to be a bad course of action most of the time
- love happens, but never after 2am*
- except on the internet
- love happens on wikipedia in 4,977 words and 99 paragraphs [but a bitch aint one]
- love happens to the dude who breaks up with you to start seeing someone else…every…time
- love happens to be easily replaceable with a good sandwich and microwbrew
- love happens to be the only reason why Rachel puts up with my theories on relationship biscuits, time, and emotions that are stupid and wrong
- love happens when the brain releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. research has indicated that this stage generally happens to last from one and a half to three years.
- love happens to be the last name of courtney and the middle name of jennifer
* Confucius says “nothing good ever happens after 2am”
Things teddy would never say on a first date August 27, 2009
- you’re a democrat? oh. i always found republicans to be smarter, and somewhat sexier.
- but really, I don’t care much about politics. I can’t even remember whom I voted for I the last election!
- dessert? Oh I couldn’t!
- as much as I want to take a picture of this tasty looking cake to text my to my friends, I won’t.
- as much as I want to take a picture of this tasty looking date to email to my friends in the morn, I won’t.
- did you hear the joke about the special olympics?
- you ride a bike? what, you can’t afford a car?
- guys from the midwest are soooooo provincial.
- you seem great, but you are way too young for me (sorry teddy, couldn’t resist)
- please, call me ted. teddy sounds so immature.
I Felt It In My Fingers… January 3, 2009
as my semi-vacation draws to a close, i thought i’d make a list of the best things about this holiday season, aka december 1 until now:
1 – forcing the boys to watch “love actually” instead of “you got served” at the potluck
2 – “rachel, i look at you and think of fallopian tubes” – the rapture christmas party
3 – five hours at the russian vodka room. enough said.
4 – the white-boy dancing at adam’s party
5 – five consecutive days of brunches
6 – my christmas tree – it’s just amazing
7 – coining the phrase “would you like __ better if he/she/it was retarded?”
8 – the drinks at weather up
9 – amazing pizza in many different forms and places
10 – finally breaking my streak of sloppily drunk and incapacitated new years eves
11 – fancy and meatastic meals with my coworkers
12 – hearing “last christmas” in two different cabs
13 – increasing our circle of dan band concertgoers
14 – something that is likely to happen tonight as eric is let loose on the streets of manhattan
15 – the birth of this blog!
Jian’s all-inclusive holiday blogging extravaganza December 23, 2008
So, I finally felt the need to guest blog cause the holiday season is upon us and i’m highly unmotivated to do any kind of real work.
Firstly, I need to talk about shopping.
- Why the hell is there a velvet-roped off line outside of the A&F store on fifth avenue? Supposedly, the models from the catalogs work there, but my question is: if you’re a model for A&F (which means you have a 12-pack and you’re hot), why the hell are you working retail? Also, if you’re anything like zoolander, i’m not sure you’re going to be much help to me and my 7 kids from nebraska. well, at least you’re really, really, ridiculously good looking.
- Macy’s at herald square is where the apocalypse will surely begin. Someone should tell the people that we’re in a recession. Crowd-surfing would be the easiest way to maneuver through that store right now. what are people buying there and if they have a sale everyday, is it really still considered a sale? I wish I could remember that stuff I learned in that one econ class i took. Also, if you value your life, don’t go to the Victoria Secret on 34th street. You might get trampled by someone holding ten lace peignoirs.
- After going to Woodbury Commons on that horrible Sunday where there was a ton of snow and no shoppers, something i always knew was confirmed: stuff was horrendously overpriced before this recession hit. I am never paying full price for anything designer ever again. If you can sell an $140 dress for $45 bucks now, that means that it’s worth $45 and you were ripping people off this whole time. Gucci is 70% off, so those $500 shoes are now $120. Go get ‘em ladies!
Secondly, I need to talk about a bar.
Aspen Social Club. Go. Go there now. Wait, go before 6pm or else you won’t have a decent place to sit or stand. I went to grab drinks and a snack with my friend before seeing “The Seagull” with Kristin Scott Thomas (AMAZING), so we sat at the bar. Once you get there, check out the awesome wood action on the ceiling. The place is cavernous and rustic, much like my friend’s vajine that we always talk about. The food is awesome – lots of game (venison and bison!) and many references to the famous journalist, Hunter S. Thompson who lived and died in CO. Johnny Depp played him in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and paid for his funeral. I have to stop thinking about Johnny Depp. The bar. The bar is great. The drinks are strong and they’re huge – the Wild Turkey and Ginger martini was awesome, but I had a headache for 2 days afterwards. Why are you still sitting there? Go.
Thirdly, I saw the most romantic thing ever at the airport while waiting from my relatives to come in from Michigan. I actually started tearing…well, immediately after this scene a bunch of soldiers flying back from Iraq came down and started hugging people, so it was like an onslaught. Let me replay this Love Actually moment for ya’ll.
This guy comes down the escalator with a big “Honey, I bought you a Lexus” bow on his head. I’m like what the –
This girl runs towards him and they embrace. She starts crying and laughing.
Girl: OMG you look completely ridiculous, but that’s the best bow ever, EVER.
Guy: I just wanted to make you laugh.
Girl: It’s awesome. Thanks for wearing it. XOXO
This was the feel good moment of the year.
Lastly, I have to write down 10 reasons Rachel and Lisa will NEVER fight:
- Rachel just straightened her hair and doesn’t want to ruin it; lisa concurs
- They decide to focus their energy on hating new jersey
- They’ll get into a heated debate about where to put their shoes and pocketbooks
- One of them wasn’t really listening when the challenge was being brought on
- Rachel will trip over something and knock herself unconscious, therefore saving lisa the trouble
- Lisa/Rachel will decide that beer/whiskey is more important to her than fighting
- They will both decide that brunch is more important than fighting
- Neither one wants to start, so they just keep procrastinating
- Rachel doesn’t want to do the clean up, so they decide to watch center stage instead
- No actual contact will be made because they’re breakdance fighting
Happy Holidays!
i’m finally blogging so that all of our friends can guest blog… December 6, 2008
for consistency’s sake let’s keep the list theme going with rachel’s list of easy ways to get into the holiday spirit, even if you’re a sarcastic cynic like her:
1 – eat anything sweet
2 – listen to “christmas wrapping” by the waitresses and then get mildly horrified when you find out it’s been covered by the spice girls
3 – watch “love actually” – it really has something for everyone
4 – add a christmas movie to your dvd collection – come on, when was the last time you saw “all i want for christmas”, featuring a young ethan embry
5 – dress up more than usual
6 – get a christmas tree – even jews love ‘em
7 – drink whiskey mixed with hot cider while watching ice skaters in bryant park
8 – drink one of those ridiculous holiday lattes at dunkin donuts that probably has 2 days worth of calories
9 – buy a new hat
10 – see the dan band live!
