Things Lisa and I have done, either together or alone, at least 30 times, if not more, and survived:
1 – invent words
2 – invent games
3 – do tequila shots
4 – have impasses
5 – drink entire bottles of wine
6 – alienate our friends/family
7 – talk about hands
8 – run like show ponies or phoebe from friends
9 – watch taylor swift videos
10 – fall down
*is it recovering drug addicts or alcoholics that chew a lot of gum?
Things Jian and I could do, and have done, together for endless hours:
1 – talk about award shows
2 – dissect the meaning of a song lyric
3 – search for an obscure food or drink in any city we happen to be in, including our own
4 – tweet
5 – debate who’s sluttier, bitchier, etc. (spoiler alert: it’s neither of us)
6 – talk at, not to, each other
7 – argue, but not really argue, about extremely trivial things like what neighborhood one of our college friends lived in (seriously, this exact conversation has happened like three times)
8 – consume british popular culture
9 – taste wine
10 – unintentionally make our friends think we hate each other
11 – quote our favorite comedians/movies/TV shows/songs/each other
12 – take pictures
13 – pretend to be a couple (but not for a condom commercial, because that just makes no sense)
14 – plan trips down to the most minute detail
15 – annoy people by the busload with all of the above
xoxo!
-rachel
*Disclaimer: This post includes foul language, references to vaginas, anger and what could be considered racist statements. This is what happens when Lisa and Teddy go to Showtunes night at a gay bar followed by the best beer haus on the planet.
Lisa: I’m not sure I like small dogs. My coworker had a small dog that was really cute, but I didn’t want to touch it out of fear that I’d break it or something.
Teddy: That’s because you destroy everything you touch
____
Teddy: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking whore.
Lisa: I’m surprised I don’t know anyone here since I’m such a big fucking fag hag.
____
Teddy: Have you seen this movie? (in reference to The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)
Lisa: Ahh, no. I’m straight.
Teddy: Umm, hello? Dolly Parton?
Lisa: Hello? Straight?
Teddy: Hello? Whorehouse? Whore?
____
Teddy: Lisa, were you aware that you don’t need pimps to get your daily business done?
Lisa: No, I wasn’t. And now I’m fucking pissed off because that’s 7 years of my life I’ll never get back.
____
Teddy: Omg Lisa, look…it’s you in 50 years! (across the bar was a very old fag hag)
Lisa: Are you fucking kidding me? Are you even fucking kidding me?
____
Lisa: This is the point in the evening where Sean would just shit himself and die
____
Lisa: I feel bad that you’re here with me
Teddy: Umm, why?
Lisa: Because you’d rather be having gay sex with men?
Teddy: I can take a night off
Lisa: Can you?
____
Lisa: OMG, is this fucking Oklahoma!?
____
Teddy: Do you see that boy over there with the shirt that says “Check Out My Stimulus Package”?
Lisa: Yes, and I want to fucking disembowel him. However, I’ve reconsidered as he’s gay and clearly not a threat to me.
____
Lisa: OMG, more fucking Oklahoma!? Are you kidding me?
____
Lisa: If I wasn’t in the gayest place in America, I’d have meaningless sex with anyone whom talked to me right now.
____
Lisa: You just out-gayed yourself, which I didn’t think was possible.
Teddy: Shut the fuck up
____
Teddy: Lisa, feel better, I just counted 5 women in this room
Lisa: Shut up
Teddy: I just didn’t want you to feel alone
Lisa: Shut the fuck up before I fucking break a god-damn bottle over your fucking head.
____
Teddy: You know the gays totally love this song.
Lisa: Really? I would never have believed that the gays would love something with Olivia Newton John wearing a bedazzled bikini from the 70s. (Xanadu)
____
Lisa: I’m kind of glad I’m here as there is absolutely no chance of getting pregnant tonight.
____
Lisa: I’m nervous. The next time I do something gay it’ll pale in comparrison to this.
Teddy: I know right? The first time you have lesbian sex you’re going to stop her in the middle and say “what the fuck is this shit?”
____
Lisa: This has been the best two days of my life!
Teddy: I don’t doubt it. If I didn’t lead a much more exciting life than you, I’d probably agree.
____
Lisa: Oh look, there are gays over there signing!
Teddy: Remember when I tried to teach you how to sign at the Michigan game? You’d be a really bad deaf person because your fingers are too fucking deformed to communicate.
Lisa: You need to worry about my fingers less and your asshole more.
____
Teddy: I bet that old fag hag was a young fag hag when this video came out (Bugle Boy of Company B)
____
Teddy: Do you think Rachel would enjoy herself at Showtune night?
Lisa: Are you kidding? Rachel would give up all the promiscuous sex in the world for this shit.
____
Lisa: Thank you for taking to me to a place where I’ve realized my life is a fucking sham
Teddy: What the fuck are you talking about?
Lisa: I fucking hate you. I hope someone slightly too big shoves it in slightly too hard.
____
Lisa: I’m going to punch you in the asshole
____
Lisa: I actually hate this song. It’s overplayed, like my vagine.
____
Teddy: OMG the boy from Glee is so fucking hot.
Lisa: Lori wants to do so many illegal-in-Michigan things to him.
____
Teddy: Suck it bitch
Lisa: No, not my target market
Teddy: You’re right, we’re not at a prison.
____
Teddy: Did you notice that there are like 117 Makers Mark bottles hanging in that thing up there?
Lisa: Yeah, Rachel would be so happy right now.
Teddy: Because she’s an alcoholic?
Lisa: Yeah, and a whore.
____
(Video with Barbara Streisand and Judy Garland comes on)
Teddy: Oh look! A fucking Jew! It’s you!
Lisa: Oh look! A fucking alcoholic whore! It’s you!
____
Lisa: Just for that I’m going to drink 17 Kettle One Krushes (purple slushies) just to yack them all up on you. No one will ever love you.
____
Lisa: When we drink together, you get racist and I get violent.
Teddy: Tell me about it
Lisa: I just did.
____
Lisa: I fucking hate Moulin Rouge
Teddy: Are you fucking kidding me?
Lisa: I should quiet down or I’ll get shot.
____
Teddy: Oh this song from Moulin Rouge is so great! Sean and Nicole had it for their wedding dance.
Lisa: Sean plays hockey and he had this as his wedding song? I guess we know who wears the balls in that family.
____
(in reference to Lisa’s parents not appreciating the revival of Hair as much as when they were younger)
Teddy: Well I guess that makes sense. If I saw Rent 40 years from now, I’m not sure it would be as emotional or powerful.
Lisa: Oh give me a fucking break. You’d still cry and pee yourself silly.
____
Teddy: OMG Linda Eder! God I love her!
Lisa: Yeah, she’s got a nice voice, but she’s dead right?
Teddy: What?
Lisa: She died.
Teddy: She did not.
Lisa: Yeah, she did, I’m positive of it.
Teddy has a heart attack and nearly starts crying. While shaking he quickly checks his web enabled mobile device to find out if this is true. Luckily, Lisa is a fucking liar and Linda Eder is still alive.
Teddy: No, she’s alive. I can’t believe you just put me through that. Are you fucking kidding me? You found it appropriate to tell a gay that his favorite broadway diva died, while at gay showtune night? What the fuck is wrong with you.
____
(evita is on)
Teddy: Oh look, this is when I used to like Madonna
Lisa: Did that just happen?
Teddy: I’m sorry, but I used to like her. She turned into a slutty, greasy, nasty, trashy, fucking whore. I can’t stand what she’s become.
Lisa: Teddy, it’s time you just accept the way things are.
Teddy: No, I can’t accept what she’s become.
Lisa: I’m talking about me.
____
(as we’re about to leave to go to the Hop Leaf)
Lisa: I can’t wait to drink some fucking beers like the lesbian I am.
____
Lisa: Can we stop first so I can get some cigarettes?
Teddy: Oh sure, you haven’t inconvenienced me once tonight so I suppose it was bound to happen.
Lisa: Did you hear something? I couldn’t quite make it out but it sounded like a large vagina talking.
____
Teddy: What do you think Jian is doing right now?
Lisa: Probably having committal sex. I feel bad for her.
Teddy: I don’t. Her boyfriend is hot. I’d probably have sex with him if he was a gay man.
Lisa: You’d have sex with him regardless.
Teddy: You’re right. I like asians and he’s hot. He’s a hot asian. Don’t tell Jian.
Lisa: Then don’t write this down.
Teddy: Ok.
____
As heard on the street by some random gay: I knew this Queen in Detroit who looked just like Lilly Tomlin.
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Lisa: I want to get 17 of these beers. 7 to drink and 10 to put in my vagina.
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Lisa: It’s like Jesus and barley collided in my mouth.
____
Teddy: If I see a man in a cowboy hat my legs immediately go over my head.
Lisa: We have that in common.
____
Teddy: Oh my god that fucking cowboy is so hot!
Lisa: I know. I want him to fill all of my orifices.
(Teddy then spits out his beer)
____
Teddy: When we get home and you’re safely asleep on the couch, I’m going to masturbate like it’s my god damn job.
____
Lisa: If he were gay, I would undergo a sex change operation just to get it on with him.
____
Lisa: I feel bad because that girl in the polka dot dress has no friends.
Teddy: I know. She also doesn’t have a chest.
Lisa: My dirty pillows make her feel inadequate.
____
Lisa: Polish people are the greatest god damn people to have ever walked this shit hole of an earth.
____
Lisa: While you were fingering your asshole, I was fucking crying. (note: I have no idea in what context this was said)
____
Lisa: Can you just shove something cantankerous up your fucking ass?
Things That Guy Has Brought Into My Life That Usually Make It Better
so yeah this was tough. Rachel is the best best friend anyone could want and meeting her was perhaps the most awesome thing that could have happened to me. its beyond my abilities as a writer to give her a proper bday tribute, but she’ll understand. Cause she’s the best.
or rather, ticket line review
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